J came home at about 3:30am this morning and woke me up with his stumbling around and consequent snoring, I only got about 4 hours of quality sleep last night, I'm completely exhausted.
I broke the news about the car this morning and he called me an airhead, made me feel bad about it, just as I thought he would.
Then he decided to ask me how I felt about moving to SINGAPORE!! (this was what the meetings in London were about). Well you can imagine, I am the person who doesn't like going out of her comfort zone, I even get anxious on European holidays, I would probably have some kind of total meltdown if I went to live in Singapore.
This is why:
- I'm very close to my family and I would miss them so much - I need them
- My mum won't fly and I hate flying, so every trip home would be traumatic
- I would miss my friends
- I hate hot, humid weather
- I get serious culture shock
- I would have to live in an Expat community with people I probably have nothing much in common with and probably wouldn't like.
- I just don't want to, I want to stay here
J said that I must not love him if I would not do this for him and our family...I'm so selfish etc, etc. The way I see it is, he has always known what I am like, why the fuck is he with me if I am holding him back so much???
He says we never do what he wants to do - well that is bull, every year we go on holiday abroad and I would rather not - I do that for him and the kids, not for me!!
I don't see the point in us being together anymore, I feel lonely because he doesn't understand how hard it is. I feel selfish and a bad mum for holding my family back, like he says I am.
I can't believe he decided to bring up this argument in my current state of mind as well, I feel like he did it deliberately to upset me. He knew how I would react and I've spent the whole morning crying. I wanted to get better, I really feel kicked back down now :(
