Zombified

Day 4 on Fluoxetine

Well, it's now nearly 10pm, I've had 3 glasses of wine and I feel really chilled and mellow, probably the fluoxetine has enhanced the effects of the alcohol. Wooowoooooooh!

I didn't end up having to do the school run as the cricket finished early, so J did it - phew! Probably not such a good thing though cos that means 'Day 5 in the Big Brother House' (not been out for 5 days). I did venture into the garden this evening for a little while to breathe some fresh air and chase a cat away from stalking my one eyed guinea pig.

J's dad came over for a visit so it took all my powers to 'act normal' when he was here, I had to keep doing stuff to distract myself from looming anx, I did quite well and then it passed.

'Bitchy mum' phoned to remind me we had a night out tonight, which of course I can't go to (I was really looking forward to it but in my current state I just can't).
I did a brave thing though...I told her my troubles, in a lighthearted, making fun of myself sort of way. Guess what? she totally understood, she said she would take the girls to the park tomorrow after school if I didn't feel up to it, so that felt good.

I am beginning to like this honesty thing, I've hidden this for years like a guilty secret, but what is there to be ashamed about?

This evening me and my girls cuddled up in front of TV and watched Gok's Fashion Fix (Celebrity Stylist), we love Gok Wan - he's fabulous! He makes me wanna be a his fag hag.

I'm desperately trying to stay awake until midnight, if I fall asleep now I'll wake up too early and that is not good. I'm shit in the mornings as it is.

The Illusionist

Day 2 on Fluoxetine aka Prozac

Hi everyone, I've been kinda struggling whether to tell you this but I've decided to come clean, I am not what I seem. I want to share this with you because I know there are probably many other people out there who suffer with this/or have done, or have loved ones who do.

I go through phases of anxiety/panic disorder and have done for most of my life - no reason for it, it's just the person I am.

I thought it wouldn't get to me again, but for the past couple of weeks I have been suffering a particularly nasty bout.

The last bad case of it was over 2 yrs ago, I was prescribed fluoxetine and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I beat it after a couple of months and I know I can do it again!

I've just got that little thought in my head saying 'what if it doesn't go away this time, what if I am actually going crazy, what if...? Deep down I know these negative thoughts are the nature of the beast, right now I have a constant inner dialogue of positive and negative thoughts fighting is the only way to describe it.

Socially I am struggling in every aspect, it's extremely frustrating because usually I am a very sociable person, people are shocked if I tell them how I am feeling as they see me as this smiley, happy person with a huge personality, but inside (when I am going through this) I feel like a small terrified child. Luckily I have a very supportive partner and parents who help me a great deal when I go through this, but i just have this perma-feeling of guilt for putting them through it. I really try to hide it from my girls too but I'm sure they most know something is wrong.

I am feeling very depressed right now. I don't suffer depression on it's own, it is caused by the anxiety because I can see no way out, I feel like I am on a permanent rollercoaster and I want to get off. I have been taking the meds for 2 days so hopefully soon they will help me feel better soon - right now I feel terrible and I can't stop crying. I've been housebound for 4 days and the weather is beautiful outside. I want to WANT to go out, I just feel so scared of I don't know what.

There, I'm glad I got that off my chest, thanks for listening. I KNOW I will feel better soon.