Parents to the rescuuuueeeeee

Day 8 of Fluoxetine.

So....my mum and dad stayed over last night which was really great. They took my mind of my constant inward thinking, this illness is making me completely self obsessed and selfish, constantly thinking about me, me, me, and how I am feeling. It's so boring! I'm not THAT person.

Mum suggested we go and get some food from shop today...eeeps, tense up, sweaty palms, legs feel weak, I feel sick....I haven't been outside for 8 days. I said yes I would do it, and tried not to think about it until the point of leaving, hoping I would get out if it somehow.

Mum, being an expert at this sort of thing (Dad suffered with a bad bout of agoraphobia when I was in my teens - I didn't even know until recently) said "come on, lets go, we'll only be 10 mins and we can leave at any time", so off we went in Dads car to the biggest supermarket, arghhhhhh!! It's so ridiculous, I was a regular visitor here only a month ago didn't even think twice, so why the fuck am I getting in a state???

Well, it turns out the anticipation of it was worse than the actual being there. I got quite distracted by stuff and actually quite enjoyed it. After about half an hour I started to get bored and that's the time that I would potentially get anx luckily at that point we had got everything we needed.

I feel glad that I did it and it wasn't half as bad as I thought. YAY! I've been outside.

Zombified

Day 4 on Fluoxetine

Well, it's now nearly 10pm, I've had 3 glasses of wine and I feel really chilled and mellow, probably the fluoxetine has enhanced the effects of the alcohol. Wooowoooooooh!

I didn't end up having to do the school run as the cricket finished early, so J did it - phew! Probably not such a good thing though cos that means 'Day 5 in the Big Brother House' (not been out for 5 days). I did venture into the garden this evening for a little while to breathe some fresh air and chase a cat away from stalking my one eyed guinea pig.

J's dad came over for a visit so it took all my powers to 'act normal' when he was here, I had to keep doing stuff to distract myself from looming anx, I did quite well and then it passed.

'Bitchy mum' phoned to remind me we had a night out tonight, which of course I can't go to (I was really looking forward to it but in my current state I just can't).
I did a brave thing though...I told her my troubles, in a lighthearted, making fun of myself sort of way. Guess what? she totally understood, she said she would take the girls to the park tomorrow after school if I didn't feel up to it, so that felt good.

I am beginning to like this honesty thing, I've hidden this for years like a guilty secret, but what is there to be ashamed about?

This evening me and my girls cuddled up in front of TV and watched Gok's Fashion Fix (Celebrity Stylist), we love Gok Wan - he's fabulous! He makes me wanna be a his fag hag.

I'm desperately trying to stay awake until midnight, if I fall asleep now I'll wake up too early and that is not good. I'm shit in the mornings as it is.

Pull yerself together!!

After feeling almost good last night, woke up at 6:30am with this anxious ball of 'ewww' in my tum, headache, neckache, body ache, shivers, felt like utter crap (meds side effects or imagination??). Managed to drag myself out of bed to get the kids ready for school, but the whole time I felt like I was on the verge of death.

I am so thankful that J is not at work right now as I don't think I would have managed to do the walk to school.

As soon as they left I managed to force down a bit of dry bread and a banana and climbed back into the safety and comfort of my bed, I don't want to leave here.

Next stress: J is going to be watching cricket all day today and won't be able to do school run, wtf am I going to do?? Freaking out already. I could call 'bitchy mum' (she bitches about other mums to me, so I bet she does it about me too) to ask her to do pickup, but I don't want to tell her what is really going on with me - I don't want everyone to know.

The voice is saying ' Pull yourself together', but the even louder one is saying "I CAN'T, WHAT IF....?"

FUCKS SAKE...Grrrrr, I hate this!

Where did it go?

Day 3 on Fluoxetine

Wednesday...where did Wednesday go??

Complete breakdowns all morning, couldn't leave my bedroom etc, it was the only place I felt slightly relaxed.

J (my beloved) wanted to go out and he would not be back to be pick up the girls from school, I asked him to please do the pickup, I just can't face 'outside' or 'other people' at the moment. He started to lose his patience with me and I don't blame him, but thank God he said he would rearrange and be home in time to pick up our girls.

I felt so guilty and cried and cried when he went out, then late afternoon I started to feel kind of mellow and managed to regain some kind of normality when my babies came home from school (I can't let them see me in this state). Maybe the meds are kicking in at last. YAY!

Still can't eat though, I've lost 8lbs in a week. wooooooooooooooot! (Actually not wooot, cos I'll be emaciated by next week if it carries on.)