Well hullo thurr.
I had a great summer and I'm feeling so much better. I have been pretty busy and I haven't really looked too much at anything which reminds me of how I felt a few months ago, (which is why I haven't been on this blog), I guess I was a bit worried it would trigger a relapse.
My girls are back to school now and John is working from home on a contract project (don't ask me what he is doing 'cos I haven't a clue). It's been great having him around though, I thought he would get on my nerves after a while but it's reminded me what great company he is and how much fun we have together...and no we aren't romping in the bed all day (much to his disappointment) :D It's just nice to spend time together with no demanding children around, and we appreciate them so much more when they come home from school as well.
So all is good in the hood (so they say in the hood, not that I live in the hood).
I'm still on the Prozac and I feel great, I actually enjoy doing things now. I didn't realise how low I was before but now in hindsight I know I was, for a long time...even before the anxiety kicked in again, I got no pleasure out of anything - I felt very flat and bored with life but I was trying not to think about it.
I'm not sure what the future holds with regards to these tablets, I would happily stay on them for ever but I guess that they would lose effectiveness after a while, so I suppose I will probably do what I did last time and come off then after about 6-8 mths. Will see how things go.
I will pop on here from time to time for a rant and an update. I hope you are all well reading this.
Big virtual hugs to you all
Love Jo
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Friday, 25 July 2008
Nearly holiday time...woooh!
OK, so tomorrow is holiday day, and guess what? I am actually looking forward to it now.
I'm so glad we aren't flying anywhere after hearing about the flight to Australia which had a hole ripped out of it mid air. That is what my nightmares are made of, I could just imagine sitting in that plane feeling paralysed with terror. I'm so glad that everyone lived to tell the tale.
We are all off to the Lake District, J's parents rent a cottage there every year and invite all the family over, so we have J's 3 sisters and their families all in one space...yes, that means fireworks! As much as I love J's mum she is the most unrelaxing, fussy person ever and she seems to really provoke an irritation in her offspring (and me). They all start bickering and there is often serious tension. Luckily we are not staying in the same place, so me, J and the kids can escape when it all gets too much....thank the Lordy.
The following week we are renting a cottage in Suffolk with my parents, my Aunt and Unc and some of their kids, my brother and his girlfriend. Now this will be fun, we all have a complete riot when we are together.
I am so glad I am feelng better. I would not have been able to do this a couple of weeks ago. I know I will have anxious moments, but I have to realise that that's all they are and they will pass.
I think we are taking the laptop, so I may pop on for a bit of blogging from time to time, (spill my heart out here if I need to). I'll try to take lots of nice pics if I can work out how to use the bloody camera.
Byee for now x
I'm so glad we aren't flying anywhere after hearing about the flight to Australia which had a hole ripped out of it mid air. That is what my nightmares are made of, I could just imagine sitting in that plane feeling paralysed with terror. I'm so glad that everyone lived to tell the tale.
We are all off to the Lake District, J's parents rent a cottage there every year and invite all the family over, so we have J's 3 sisters and their families all in one space...yes, that means fireworks! As much as I love J's mum she is the most unrelaxing, fussy person ever and she seems to really provoke an irritation in her offspring (and me). They all start bickering and there is often serious tension. Luckily we are not staying in the same place, so me, J and the kids can escape when it all gets too much....thank the Lordy.
The following week we are renting a cottage in Suffolk with my parents, my Aunt and Unc and some of their kids, my brother and his girlfriend. Now this will be fun, we all have a complete riot when we are together.
I am so glad I am feelng better. I would not have been able to do this a couple of weeks ago. I know I will have anxious moments, but I have to realise that that's all they are and they will pass.
I think we are taking the laptop, so I may pop on for a bit of blogging from time to time, (spill my heart out here if I need to). I'll try to take lots of nice pics if I can work out how to use the bloody camera.
Byee for now x
Monday, 14 July 2008
Brrrum Bruummm
Day 15 on fluoxetine
Yessss, I did it!
Yesterday we drove out to my parents for the first time since I have been feeling like this, I have not been able to step foot in our car for a couple of weeks.
Well I did it!! You may wonder, what is the issue with sitting as a passenger in a car? The issue is sitting, not doing anything, being able to think, thinking is not good when you are in this anxious frame of mind - you start thinking of how you are feeling, are you going to panic, are you going to want to jump out of the car and run screaming up the hard shoulder???
I didn't do any of those things, yes I felt a bit nervous on the first part of the journey, the kids were fighting and J was getting annoyed at me not telling them off, I was too busy trying to keep myself together.
Anyway, I settled into it and it was quite nice, we arrived at my mum and dads safely with no incident.
Next hurdle
My parents live in the countryside, it was a beautiful day so we decided to go for a walk up the track - a steepish hill through the fields. I was fine, but after about a mile I got the visual disturbances, like little lights in my vision (I get these a lot and always have done, but when I am having anxious periods I worry about them). So I began to think that I was feeling dizzy and hot and my mind started going off on one, like, how would an ambulance get here? sort of crap - it sounds so stupid now.
I told my mum I felt a bit dizzy and in true mum style she said "well, if you faint we'll leave you here and pick you up on the way back" anyway that made me laugh and then I felt a bit better again.
We stayed at my parents house last night and then J drove us home this morning, announcing half way that we would be picking his car up from the garage and I would have to DRIVE MY CAR. I haven't driven in ages....eeeeeeeeps!
So I fended off the anx all the way to the garage at the thought of driving, we arrived there and I jumped in the drivers seat, J then realised that the garage was closed so he couldn't pick up his car.
Guess what? I drove anyway and it was totally fine!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Yessss, I did it!
Yesterday we drove out to my parents for the first time since I have been feeling like this, I have not been able to step foot in our car for a couple of weeks.
Well I did it!! You may wonder, what is the issue with sitting as a passenger in a car? The issue is sitting, not doing anything, being able to think, thinking is not good when you are in this anxious frame of mind - you start thinking of how you are feeling, are you going to panic, are you going to want to jump out of the car and run screaming up the hard shoulder???
I didn't do any of those things, yes I felt a bit nervous on the first part of the journey, the kids were fighting and J was getting annoyed at me not telling them off, I was too busy trying to keep myself together.
Anyway, I settled into it and it was quite nice, we arrived at my mum and dads safely with no incident.
Next hurdle
My parents live in the countryside, it was a beautiful day so we decided to go for a walk up the track - a steepish hill through the fields. I was fine, but after about a mile I got the visual disturbances, like little lights in my vision (I get these a lot and always have done, but when I am having anxious periods I worry about them). So I began to think that I was feeling dizzy and hot and my mind started going off on one, like, how would an ambulance get here? sort of crap - it sounds so stupid now.
I told my mum I felt a bit dizzy and in true mum style she said "well, if you faint we'll leave you here and pick you up on the way back" anyway that made me laugh and then I felt a bit better again.
We stayed at my parents house last night and then J drove us home this morning, announcing half way that we would be picking his car up from the garage and I would have to DRIVE MY CAR. I haven't driven in ages....eeeeeeeeps!
So I fended off the anx all the way to the garage at the thought of driving, we arrived there and I jumped in the drivers seat, J then realised that the garage was closed so he couldn't pick up his car.
Guess what? I drove anyway and it was totally fine!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Thursday, 10 July 2008
Virtually Crazy
Day 11 on fluoxetine
Cass was sick with a sore tum. fever and a headache today so I spent the day being caring mummy. It was raining all day today non stop, so we didn't feel the need to leave the house.
J and Josie went to see the new Narnia film and Cass fell asleep while they were away. So I ventured onto Second Life. (an online virtual world). I love this game - I haven't been able to play it since I've been unwell as it seemed to trigger my anxiety attacks.
I logged on as my lesser known avatar Mini May and had a bit of fun making her look like how I'd been feeling lately. I took her off to the virtual lunatic asylum...
locked her in a padded cell...
She's so sad...poor Mini
She does a Britney and shaves off half her hair, oh noes!
Playing SL it didn't bring on any feeling of anxiety at all this time, the only reason I logged off was because Cass woke up and needed constant attention.
I LOVE Second Life, because you can make your character as gorgeous as this.
or as hideous as this,
I've been playing this game for 2 years now and never got bored with it, so I knew there was something seriously wrong when I stopped enjoying playing.
This is a good sign, I had fun, so I must be on the road to recovery now. YAY!
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
UPDATE, Park wayhaaay
Well, J came home and said he was gonna take the girls to the park, so I made a quick decision to go too. I prefer doing something spur of the moment rather than having the anticipation of doing something planned right now.
So I said I would probably only stay 15 mins and come back and make some food for when they get back. We stopped to chat to a friend on the way, which made me feel slightly anx for some reason, but nothing major. I just don't like standing around, I have to keep moving when I'm out and about right now or I may start thinking about how I am feeling.
So we got to the park and it was really busy for 7pm in the evening, but I was cool with that. Stood around for a bit while they played and then I felt I had done enough (don't wanna push it too far and go back to square 1), so I headed back before them, and the walk back on my own was fine too.
TODAY..SUCCESS! We've all had some fresh air.
So I said I would probably only stay 15 mins and come back and make some food for when they get back. We stopped to chat to a friend on the way, which made me feel slightly anx for some reason, but nothing major. I just don't like standing around, I have to keep moving when I'm out and about right now or I may start thinking about how I am feeling.
So we got to the park and it was really busy for 7pm in the evening, but I was cool with that. Stood around for a bit while they played and then I felt I had done enough (don't wanna push it too far and go back to square 1), so I headed back before them, and the walk back on my own was fine too.
TODAY..SUCCESS! We've all had some fresh air.
Monday, 7 July 2008
Parents to the rescuuuueeeeee
Day 8 of Fluoxetine.
So....my mum and dad stayed over last night which was really great. They took my mind of my constant inward thinking, this illness is making me completely self obsessed and selfish, constantly thinking about me, me, me, and how I am feeling. It's so boring! I'm not THAT person.
Mum suggested we go and get some food from shop today...eeeps, tense up, sweaty palms, legs feel weak, I feel sick....I haven't been outside for 8 days. I said yes I would do it, and tried not to think about it until the point of leaving, hoping I would get out if it somehow.
Mum, being an expert at this sort of thing (Dad suffered with a bad bout of agoraphobia when I was in my teens - I didn't even know until recently) said "come on, lets go, we'll only be 10 mins and we can leave at any time", so off we went in Dads car to the biggest supermarket, arghhhhhh!! It's so ridiculous, I was a regular visitor here only a month ago didn't even think twice, so why the fuck am I getting in a state???
Well, it turns out the anticipation of it was worse than the actual being there. I got quite distracted by stuff and actually quite enjoyed it. After about half an hour I started to get bored and that's the time that I would potentially get anx luckily at that point we had got everything we needed.
I feel glad that I did it and it wasn't half as bad as I thought. YAY! I've been outside.
So....my mum and dad stayed over last night which was really great. They took my mind of my constant inward thinking, this illness is making me completely self obsessed and selfish, constantly thinking about me, me, me, and how I am feeling. It's so boring! I'm not THAT person.
Mum suggested we go and get some food from shop today...eeeps, tense up, sweaty palms, legs feel weak, I feel sick....I haven't been outside for 8 days. I said yes I would do it, and tried not to think about it until the point of leaving, hoping I would get out if it somehow.
Mum, being an expert at this sort of thing (Dad suffered with a bad bout of agoraphobia when I was in my teens - I didn't even know until recently) said "come on, lets go, we'll only be 10 mins and we can leave at any time", so off we went in Dads car to the biggest supermarket, arghhhhhh!! It's so ridiculous, I was a regular visitor here only a month ago didn't even think twice, so why the fuck am I getting in a state???
Well, it turns out the anticipation of it was worse than the actual being there. I got quite distracted by stuff and actually quite enjoyed it. After about half an hour I started to get bored and that's the time that I would potentially get anx luckily at that point we had got everything we needed.
I feel glad that I did it and it wasn't half as bad as I thought. YAY! I've been outside.
Friday, 4 July 2008
What's goin' on 'ere then?
Day 5 on Fluoxetine
It's 9am, I woke up this morning and didn't have such a feeling of dread and sense of impending doom, I was slightly apprehensive about getting out of bed incase it hit me then, but no. I feel almost normal, not tired, not sick, not achey, not scared - slightly floaty but it's quite nice (the meds?)
Have I turned a corner? I know that this is a slow process and I'll have good and not so good days (I'm not saying the 'b' word - its not part of my vocab any more), I'm going to make the most of feeling good today.
I'm trying not to have the OCD thoughts, constantly checking how I am feeling, it's like picking at a scab and I am a true scab picker.
J and I are going to have a Pimms afternoon and watch Wimbledon, even though I'm not bothered too much about tennis, I'm liking the Pimms idea - maybe I might venture into SL.
It's 9am, I woke up this morning and didn't have such a feeling of dread and sense of impending doom, I was slightly apprehensive about getting out of bed incase it hit me then, but no. I feel almost normal, not tired, not sick, not achey, not scared - slightly floaty but it's quite nice (the meds?)
Have I turned a corner? I know that this is a slow process and I'll have good and not so good days (I'm not saying the 'b' word - its not part of my vocab any more), I'm going to make the most of feeling good today.
I'm trying not to have the OCD thoughts, constantly checking how I am feeling, it's like picking at a scab and I am a true scab picker.
J and I are going to have a Pimms afternoon and watch Wimbledon, even though I'm not bothered too much about tennis, I'm liking the Pimms idea - maybe I might venture into SL.
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