Low

Day 6 on Fluoxetine

I can hardly type today, I feel so low.

I paid the price for having a lovely day and drinking yesterday, I had the mother of all panic attacks when I was trying to get my wilful 5 yr old to sleep last night and they went on all night until midnight, then I lay awake until 3am racked with fear.

I'm so low and exhausted, disappointed in myself. J has taken the girls out to see kungfu panda and i wish that i felt like doing nice things. As soon as they left I went back to bed and dozed for 2 hours, I had to force myself to get up and get showered but i can't even be bothered to dry my hair, i just want to get right back into bed again - i'm so tired.

Why do I feel like this? My life is good, I've got a lovely family, lots of friends, I'm physically healthy. I'm the sort of person I would feel like saying 'pull yourself together' to if I didn't feel like this.

I feel so gulity for my girls, what kind of mum am I? Lying here crying and wanting to sleep all the time.

Please will someone make this stop...

Pull yerself together!!

After feeling almost good last night, woke up at 6:30am with this anxious ball of 'ewww' in my tum, headache, neckache, body ache, shivers, felt like utter crap (meds side effects or imagination??). Managed to drag myself out of bed to get the kids ready for school, but the whole time I felt like I was on the verge of death.

I am so thankful that J is not at work right now as I don't think I would have managed to do the walk to school.

As soon as they left I managed to force down a bit of dry bread and a banana and climbed back into the safety and comfort of my bed, I don't want to leave here.

Next stress: J is going to be watching cricket all day today and won't be able to do school run, wtf am I going to do?? Freaking out already. I could call 'bitchy mum' (she bitches about other mums to me, so I bet she does it about me too) to ask her to do pickup, but I don't want to tell her what is really going on with me - I don't want everyone to know.

The voice is saying ' Pull yourself together', but the even louder one is saying "I CAN'T, WHAT IF....?"

FUCKS SAKE...Grrrrr, I hate this!

Where did it go?

Day 3 on Fluoxetine

Wednesday...where did Wednesday go??

Complete breakdowns all morning, couldn't leave my bedroom etc, it was the only place I felt slightly relaxed.

J (my beloved) wanted to go out and he would not be back to be pick up the girls from school, I asked him to please do the pickup, I just can't face 'outside' or 'other people' at the moment. He started to lose his patience with me and I don't blame him, but thank God he said he would rearrange and be home in time to pick up our girls.

I felt so guilty and cried and cried when he went out, then late afternoon I started to feel kind of mellow and managed to regain some kind of normality when my babies came home from school (I can't let them see me in this state). Maybe the meds are kicking in at last. YAY!

Still can't eat though, I've lost 8lbs in a week. wooooooooooooooot! (Actually not wooot, cos I'll be emaciated by next week if it carries on.)