S0 now it's after 3pm. Just as I thought I rallied around at about 12pm after a shower and hairwash. The girls and I baked Banana Bread, our first attempt and it rocked. YUM! Actually I feel a bit sick now 'cos that's all I've eaten all afternoon.
We decided we should have a beauty afternoon, so the girls painted my toenails and I did their's. Then Josie asked me to cut her hair into a bob, (I am no hairdresser btw), after I bathed them I got the scissors out and set to work, Josie's hair was down to the middle of her back and she wanted it chin length...gulp!
So I chopped away and actually I did not a bad job, she was delighted. While I was in the mood I hacked the straggly ends off Cass's hair as well - she looks supercute now too!
Now I just need to get mine done, it's way too long and out of control. S'pose I'll have to go the the hairdresser though *tuts*
Sunday, 20 July 2008
I HATE Mornings!!
Week 3 on fluoxetine
I've never been a morning person. Ideally I would get up around 10am (given the chance, unfortunately with kids - that's not possible). Since I've been suffering this latest episode of anxiety I have been AWFUL in the mornings, I've been waking quite early - about 7ish, but then I lie in bed feeling anxious and jittery - fast heartbeat, butterflies in tummy, all of that.
As usual, this morning our 5 yr old, Cass, woke in our bed...she is the most unrelaxing child in the morning. She kicks me in the tummy when I have a full bladder and will be really annoying until one of us gets up and takes her downstairs.
J left at 8am (he's such an annoying morning person) to do his motorbike training, so after putting the kids tv on in our bed and hoping she would lie quietly next to me, it was not to be so I gave in and got up with her.
After I made the girls breakfast and put on their favie tv programmes, I creep back up to my bed, really I know I should get up and do stuff to take my mind off this feeling. I feel guilty for lying here and leaving the kids downstairs to their own devices and that makes the anxiety worse. It's the school holidays here now so we don't have to rush anywhere but still, I feel like bad mum.
I found an interesting article here about morning anxiety. I know all about the blood sugar levels dropping in the morning due to lack of food and I do try to eat something as soon as I get up, but lately I've still been feeling crap until about 1pm, so is that normal? I don't know.
http://www.conqueranxiety.com/Understanding+Early+Morning+Anxiety-FD1.html
It could be the fluoxetine side effects, (they make me yawn like crazy in the mornings, it's still early days on those I suppose. Roll on the pm!
I'm going to bake cakes with the girls!!!
I've never been a morning person. Ideally I would get up around 10am (given the chance, unfortunately with kids - that's not possible). Since I've been suffering this latest episode of anxiety I have been AWFUL in the mornings, I've been waking quite early - about 7ish, but then I lie in bed feeling anxious and jittery - fast heartbeat, butterflies in tummy, all of that.
As usual, this morning our 5 yr old, Cass, woke in our bed...she is the most unrelaxing child in the morning. She kicks me in the tummy when I have a full bladder and will be really annoying until one of us gets up and takes her downstairs.
J left at 8am (he's such an annoying morning person) to do his motorbike training, so after putting the kids tv on in our bed and hoping she would lie quietly next to me, it was not to be so I gave in and got up with her.
After I made the girls breakfast and put on their favie tv programmes, I creep back up to my bed, really I know I should get up and do stuff to take my mind off this feeling. I feel guilty for lying here and leaving the kids downstairs to their own devices and that makes the anxiety worse. It's the school holidays here now so we don't have to rush anywhere but still, I feel like bad mum.
I found an interesting article here about morning anxiety. I know all about the blood sugar levels dropping in the morning due to lack of food and I do try to eat something as soon as I get up, but lately I've still been feeling crap until about 1pm, so is that normal? I don't know.
http://www.conqueranxiety.com/Understanding+Early+Morning+Anxiety-FD1.html
It could be the fluoxetine side effects, (they make me yawn like crazy in the mornings, it's still early days on those I suppose. Roll on the pm!
I'm going to bake cakes with the girls!!!
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Update on Woe is Me..cheered up a bit
To follow on from my last dramatic post where J was hugely insensitive and upset me. He took the girls swimming and I had a nap, a shower, a tidy up and managed to pull myself together.
I knew the silent treatment would work...he came home all sheepish after swimming with flowers and apologised to me. I knew I was in the right!
So all's well that ends well for today....YAY!
I knew the silent treatment would work...he came home all sheepish after swimming with flowers and apologised to me. I knew I was in the right!
So all's well that ends well for today....YAY!
Woe is me :(
I'm wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity today.
J came home at about 3:30am this morning and woke me up with his stumbling around and consequent snoring, I only got about 4 hours of quality sleep last night, I'm completely exhausted.
I broke the news about the car this morning and he called me an airhead, made me feel bad about it, just as I thought he would.
Then he decided to ask me how I felt about moving to SINGAPORE!! (this was what the meetings in London were about). Well you can imagine, I am the person who doesn't like going out of her comfort zone, I even get anxious on European holidays, I would probably have some kind of total meltdown if I went to live in Singapore.
This is why:
J said that I must not love him if I would not do this for him and our family...I'm so selfish etc, etc. The way I see it is, he has always known what I am like, why the fuck is he with me if I am holding him back so much???
He says we never do what he wants to do - well that is bull, every year we go on holiday abroad and I would rather not - I do that for him and the kids, not for me!!
I don't see the point in us being together anymore, I feel lonely because he doesn't understand how hard it is. I feel selfish and a bad mum for holding my family back, like he says I am.
I can't believe he decided to bring up this argument in my current state of mind as well, I feel like he did it deliberately to upset me. He knew how I would react and I've spent the whole morning crying. I wanted to get better, I really feel kicked back down now :(
J came home at about 3:30am this morning and woke me up with his stumbling around and consequent snoring, I only got about 4 hours of quality sleep last night, I'm completely exhausted.
I broke the news about the car this morning and he called me an airhead, made me feel bad about it, just as I thought he would.
Then he decided to ask me how I felt about moving to SINGAPORE!! (this was what the meetings in London were about). Well you can imagine, I am the person who doesn't like going out of her comfort zone, I even get anxious on European holidays, I would probably have some kind of total meltdown if I went to live in Singapore.
This is why:
- I'm very close to my family and I would miss them so much - I need them
- My mum won't fly and I hate flying, so every trip home would be traumatic
- I would miss my friends
- I hate hot, humid weather
- I get serious culture shock
- I would have to live in an Expat community with people I probably have nothing much in common with and probably wouldn't like.
- I just don't want to, I want to stay here
J said that I must not love him if I would not do this for him and our family...I'm so selfish etc, etc. The way I see it is, he has always known what I am like, why the fuck is he with me if I am holding him back so much???
He says we never do what he wants to do - well that is bull, every year we go on holiday abroad and I would rather not - I do that for him and the kids, not for me!!
I don't see the point in us being together anymore, I feel lonely because he doesn't understand how hard it is. I feel selfish and a bad mum for holding my family back, like he says I am.
I can't believe he decided to bring up this argument in my current state of mind as well, I feel like he did it deliberately to upset me. He knew how I would react and I've spent the whole morning crying. I wanted to get better, I really feel kicked back down now :(
Friday, 18 July 2008
..and relaxxxx
Well, after my dramatic day of car injuring and trauma's, things have relaxed now.
I ventured out in the car again to pick up my mum and then we went to watch the girls performance, my mum was really stressed when I picked her up because she was being divebombed by protective mother seagulls (seagulls are total nightmare here at this time of year). My mum has a phobia of birds, so I had to calm her down rather than the other way around.
Anyway, I dosed us both up with some Rescue Remedy and then we went to watch my princesses prance about in their show - which was lovely, I didn't feel anxious at all any more.
We all came back home to mine afterwards and my mum and I cooked dinner and started on the wine, so we are a bit tipsy now. I know I shouldn't be drinking now in my current state of mind and I know I will feel like shit tomorrow, but I just need it to relax after a stressy day.
We are watching that awful Big Brother, but why o why?? I don't even like any of the cretinous contestents, I don't want any of them to win.
I ventured out in the car again to pick up my mum and then we went to watch the girls performance, my mum was really stressed when I picked her up because she was being divebombed by protective mother seagulls (seagulls are total nightmare here at this time of year). My mum has a phobia of birds, so I had to calm her down rather than the other way around.
Anyway, I dosed us both up with some Rescue Remedy and then we went to watch my princesses prance about in their show - which was lovely, I didn't feel anxious at all any more.
We all came back home to mine afterwards and my mum and I cooked dinner and started on the wine, so we are a bit tipsy now. I know I shouldn't be drinking now in my current state of mind and I know I will feel like shit tomorrow, but I just need it to relax after a stressy day.
We are watching that awful Big Brother, but why o why?? I don't even like any of the cretinous contestents, I don't want any of them to win.
Anx, Injured Car and Bad Language
Ugh...
I've just arrived back from taking the girls to gym.
The build-up to leaving the house was effing awful, Cass was playing up big time and freaking about her hair and clothes, my stress levels were through the roof. Then we eventually got out and got in the car, Cass still whinging. I felt panic rising while I was driving a few times, I felt like turning back, but I took some Rescue Remedy and somehow kept on going.
The first carpark was full...DAMN!
So we drove on a little and found another one, a left turn into this narrow little carpark entrance with a metal thing around it. I took the turn too wide and was too close to the metal bar on the right side - the parking sensor was beeping like mad but there was a car right up my arse behind me in a queue on the main road and I couldn't reverse - I was panicking! SHIT...I kept on going with my fingers crossed......
Yes, Sods Law... I scraped the wheel arch on the metal thing.. FUCK!!
So then I was highly anxious, somehow managed to get the girls to gym on time but was in derealisation mode - like it wasn't actually my body. Got back in the car, realised I had no frikkin fuel left and in no mood to go to garage, but I had to. I had begun to calm down so went and got fuel and this went ok but I still have that wierd spaced 'not quite here' feeling.
I feel exhausted and I have to go do it all again in half an hour, luckily my mum is coming too but we have to sit in the room with other people and watch while the kids do their performance. It's only for 15 mins though so hopefully I'll be ok.
I'm so disappointed, I really thought I was feeling better. I hope this is just a temporary blip.
And what is J gonna say when I tell him I damaged the car?????
I've just arrived back from taking the girls to gym.
The build-up to leaving the house was effing awful, Cass was playing up big time and freaking about her hair and clothes, my stress levels were through the roof. Then we eventually got out and got in the car, Cass still whinging. I felt panic rising while I was driving a few times, I felt like turning back, but I took some Rescue Remedy and somehow kept on going.
The first carpark was full...DAMN!
So we drove on a little and found another one, a left turn into this narrow little carpark entrance with a metal thing around it. I took the turn too wide and was too close to the metal bar on the right side - the parking sensor was beeping like mad but there was a car right up my arse behind me in a queue on the main road and I couldn't reverse - I was panicking! SHIT...I kept on going with my fingers crossed......
Yes, Sods Law... I scraped the wheel arch on the metal thing.. FUCK!!
So then I was highly anxious, somehow managed to get the girls to gym on time but was in derealisation mode - like it wasn't actually my body. Got back in the car, realised I had no frikkin fuel left and in no mood to go to garage, but I had to. I had begun to calm down so went and got fuel and this went ok but I still have that wierd spaced 'not quite here' feeling.
I feel exhausted and I have to go do it all again in half an hour, luckily my mum is coming too but we have to sit in the room with other people and watch while the kids do their performance. It's only for 15 mins though so hopefully I'll be ok.
I'm so disappointed, I really thought I was feeling better. I hope this is just a temporary blip.
And what is J gonna say when I tell him I damaged the car?????
Not quite my normal self...
Day 20 on fluoxetine
Woke up this morning and that demon anxiety is hanging around. Feeling tired, dizzy, jittery, funny feeling in tummy. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone today and I have stuff planned :/
I'm trying to work out why...
Possibilities
Lack of sleep. J woke me up about 5.30am as he was catching the early flight to LDN this morning and I didn't go back to sleep properly.
J away in London. I have to take the kids to their gymastics later, they are holding a show for the parents for the last 15 minutes and I feel nervous about this for some reason. Also that J is not nearby - he's become my crutch lately.
Period. It's the first day of my period and feel generally like poo.
Alcohol yesterday. I had 4 glasses of wine yesterday evening at my friends house, the last one was at about 9pm but I'm wondering if I have the after effects. The meds enhance the effect of the alcohol, maybe the hangover too.
What to do.....? I just feel like sleeping it off in the security of my bed, but the girls are downstairs on their own and I feel guilty.
Woke up this morning and that demon anxiety is hanging around. Feeling tired, dizzy, jittery, funny feeling in tummy. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone today and I have stuff planned :/
I'm trying to work out why...
Possibilities
Lack of sleep. J woke me up about 5.30am as he was catching the early flight to LDN this morning and I didn't go back to sleep properly.
J away in London. I have to take the kids to their gymastics later, they are holding a show for the parents for the last 15 minutes and I feel nervous about this for some reason. Also that J is not nearby - he's become my crutch lately.
Period. It's the first day of my period and feel generally like poo.
Alcohol yesterday. I had 4 glasses of wine yesterday evening at my friends house, the last one was at about 9pm but I'm wondering if I have the after effects. The meds enhance the effect of the alcohol, maybe the hangover too.
What to do.....? I just feel like sleeping it off in the security of my bed, but the girls are downstairs on their own and I feel guilty.
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