Where did the time go?

Holy crap I can't believe my last post was in 2009. I swear time flies faster and faster as I get older.

During that time my family and I have been on holiday a few times, ON AEROPLANES and not freaking out too much, like I would have before.

My doctor said if I'm happy on the meds there is no reason why I cannot stay on them indefinitely. I know some people frown upon this, but my quality of life has been so much better. I now feel like I now have the moods of a healthy minded person, meaning, I still have ups and downs, but nothing I can't handle now.

I've even combatted my phobia of the gym and go every day now, feeling really fit, but grrr, I'm heavier than ever now - I've gone up to a size 14! Maybe that is the only downside of these drugs :(

Well, if that is all I have to worry about, then it's not such a bad thing. I feel healthy!

If anyone actually reads this blog and is suffering the same or a similar thing, you can get through it, and don't be afraid of taking medication for it if you need to. If it improves your quality of life it is a good thing, and not something to be afraid of.

When I think back on how I was, I wish I had considered the feelings of my family more, but it's a hugely selfish illness and when you are in the throes of it, you can only think about yourself.

When you have moments of feeling ok, please show your family you love and appreciate them, it makes all the difference to them, they cannot understand what you are going through if they have never suffered it, so it is a very difficult time for them too.

xx

Quickie

O Hai! Another quicko update.

All is going pretty good, Christmas and New Year were fun and very busy, lots of family and friends visiting, lots of partying, alcohol and food intake. I was kind of glad when it was all over though.

I've put back on all the fecking weight I lost (which is the only good thing about the anxiety disorder). I've never been overweight but I am now back to a size 12 and I WANNA BE A 10!!! I'm 5ft 8 so I don't want to be any thinner than that, is that too much to ask???? Oh well, I suppose a 12 is my natural size and I should be fine with that - but I seriously need to tone up.

I've still got a bit of a phobia of the gym though as that is where my panic attacks first started to flare up, I think I'm worried it may trigger them again :/




I'm still on the fluoxetine but forgetting to take them somedays, so maybe I should gradually come off them now. Still pondering on that one.

Oh and I've got a Plurk account now (one of those mini blogger thingies, like Twitter). So I update that a few times a day with my random goings on, bowel movements and suchlike...

I'll add it at the side of this blog if anyone is remotely interested.



Hope anyone who reads this is doing well :)

I'm alliiiiiiiive

Well hullo thurr.

I had a great summer and I'm feeling so much better. I have been pretty busy and I haven't really looked too much at anything which reminds me of how I felt a few months ago, (which is why I haven't been on this blog), I guess I was a bit worried it would trigger a relapse.

My girls are back to school now and John is working from home on a contract project (don't ask me what he is doing 'cos I haven't a clue). It's been great having him around though, I thought he would get on my nerves after a while but it's reminded me what great company he is and how much fun we have together...and no we aren't romping in the bed all day (much to his disappointment) :D It's just nice to spend time together with no demanding children around, and we appreciate them so much more when they come home from school as well.

So all is good in the hood (so they say in the hood, not that I live in the hood).

I'm still on the Prozac and I feel great, I actually enjoy doing things now. I didn't realise how low I was before but now in hindsight I know I was, for a long time...even before the anxiety kicked in again, I got no pleasure out of anything - I felt very flat and bored with life but I was trying not to think about it.

I'm not sure what the future holds with regards to these tablets, I would happily stay on them for ever but I guess that they would lose effectiveness after a while, so I suppose I will probably do what I did last time and come off then after about 6-8 mths. Will see how things go.

I will pop on here from time to time for a rant and an update. I hope you are all well reading this.

Big virtual hugs to you all
Love Jo

Nearly holiday time...woooh!

OK, so tomorrow is holiday day, and guess what? I am actually looking forward to it now.

I'm so glad we aren't flying anywhere after hearing about the flight to Australia which had a hole ripped out of it mid air. That is what my nightmares are made of, I could just imagine sitting in that plane feeling paralysed with terror. I'm so glad that everyone lived to tell the tale.

We are all off to the Lake District, J's parents rent a cottage there every year and invite all the family over, so we have J's 3 sisters and their families all in one space...yes, that means fireworks! As much as I love J's mum she is the most unrelaxing, fussy person ever and she seems to really provoke an irritation in her offspring (and me). They all start bickering and there is often serious tension. Luckily we are not staying in the same place, so me, J and the kids can escape when it all gets too much....thank the Lordy.

The following week we are renting a cottage in Suffolk with my parents, my Aunt and Unc and some of their kids, my brother and his girlfriend. Now this will be fun, we all have a complete riot when we are together.

I am so glad I am feelng better. I would not have been able to do this a couple of weeks ago. I know I will have anxious moments, but I have to realise that that's all they are and they will pass.

I think we are taking the laptop, so I may pop on for a bit of blogging from time to time, (spill my heart out here if I need to). I'll try to take lots of nice pics if I can work out how to use the bloody camera.

Byee for now x

Beaches and parks

It's been a glorious couple of days here, over 27 deg..that's scorchio for Scotland!!!

I've been so busy, out and about a lot with friends. Yesterday afternoon we all headed to the park with our children, I snuck off and went to the docs for my follow-up check.

Last time saw I the Dr (around 2 mths ago), I had become hugely agoraphobic and was just about having a nervous breakdown - what a difference in me now. `The Dr thinks I should have counselling again but I don't see the point, I had CBT last time I went through this, and yes it was helpful, but I know how it works now and I think it's basic common sense.

I could not have put it into practice when I was in the throes of my panic disorder, but now the meds have lifted me out of the dark place I can use the skills (and I am using them). I really don't feel I need any other counselling as my problem is just part of my personality, it's nothing to do with my childhood or anything terrible happening to me, I know how to sort my thought processes out, I just had to be in the right frame of mind to do it (does that make sense?)

The shingles did not make an appearance thankfully, but I got the antiviral's just in case it decides to try to rear it's blistery ugly head again.

Today we went to the beach with friends. It was absolutely baking here in the city centre where we live, but jeeez, it was windy and freezing at the beach. We found a sheltered spot in the dunes and had a really great day. I'm feeling a little sun damaged but I've been out and not even a tinge of anx today...YAY!!!

Beautiful Day & Shingles

The weather turned out glorious here in my little corner of Scotland, so I arranged to meet my friend "Enthusiastic Mum (EM)" at the park. Now, 1 week ago I would not have even entertained the thought of doing this, so this is a BIG step.

I drove to the park and we actually arrived before EM, that's unusual for me, I'm aways late! There was another person I knew at the park so we chatted for a bit, I had no major pangs of anx. Then EM arrived with her 2 girls and we had such a lovely chat sitting in the warm sun while our girls played together.

I only felt mildly anxious when I became aware of my arm pains, let me tell you about them...

I have recurring bouts of shingles on the palm of my right hand, it only happens once every few years and the episodes are becoming less and less.

One of the early signs I am about to have an attack is arm pains and highly sensitive skin on my inner wrist. When I get an attack of this, it's not just the blisters that are the issue (they are really horrible and painful), but also it usually poisons my lymphatic system and I can see the red lines of the poison track up my arm, my whole arm becomes painful to move and the lymph nodes in my underarm swell, then I have to go on high dose antibiotics. It makes me feel really poorly.

So of course, I am now anxious about this, we are due to go on holiday on Saturday, I really do not want to feel ill. I tried to phone the docs today but I couldn't get an appointment so I'll have to ring tomorrow to see if one becomes available.

The problem is I have to take the anti-viral meds as soon as I feel the tingle to minimise the attack, but I couldn't do that so now I'm worried I will have a bad one.

Sometimes I do get the pre-symptoms and nothing happens, so fingers crossed nothing will come of this.

Interestingly, I checked on the web to see if I can take Acyclovir and Fluoxetine together (I can) and found an article that Fluoxetine has been linked with reactivating the herpes (shingles) virus. Bugger!!

Owwww!

Another moany morning post from me. Lack of sleep Ahoy!

I woke at about 3am and my jaw had locked out of place, have you ever had this? It's HORRIBLE! Honestly, it was truly stuck, after a minute of panic I managed to relax it and get it back into place again, but it took me ages to get back to sleep and now my jaw really hurts.

On a good note, it's brightened up outside at last, it seemed like Winter was coming over the past couple of days, and, *drum roll*....I've lost 11lbs!!!! This is a good side effect of the fluoxetine.

I was never overweight, but I had a bit of a muffin top and tummy and this has now disappeared..YAY!

Last time I was on this medication I lost too much weight and it made me look unhealthy, so I'm hoping that the weight loss will stop here, I just want to stay as I am now.

Did you know that the fluoxetine is an ingredient in a Brazillian slimming pill?

I LIKE Afternoons and Evenings

S0 now it's after 3pm. Just as I thought I rallied around at about 12pm after a shower and hairwash. The girls and I baked Banana Bread, our first attempt and it rocked. YUM! Actually I feel a bit sick now 'cos that's all I've eaten all afternoon.

We decided we should have a beauty afternoon, so the girls painted my toenails and I did their's. Then Josie asked me to cut her hair into a bob, (I am no hairdresser btw), after I bathed them I got the scissors out and set to work, Josie's hair was down to the middle of her back and she wanted it chin length...gulp!

So I chopped away and actually I did not a bad job, she was delighted. While I was in the mood I hacked the straggly ends off Cass's hair as well - she looks supercute now too!

Now I just need to get mine done, it's way too long and out of control. S'pose I'll have to go the the hairdresser though *tuts*

I HATE Mornings!!

Week 3 on fluoxetine

I've never been a morning person. Ideally I would get up around 10am (given the chance, unfortunately with kids - that's not possible). Since I've been suffering this latest episode of anxiety I have been AWFUL in the mornings, I've been waking quite early - about 7ish, but then I lie in bed feeling anxious and jittery - fast heartbeat, butterflies in tummy, all of that.

As usual, this morning our 5 yr old, Cass, woke in our bed...she is the most unrelaxing child in the morning. She kicks me in the tummy when I have a full bladder and will be really annoying until one of us gets up and takes her downstairs.

J left at 8am (he's such an annoying morning person) to do his motorbike training, so after putting the kids tv on in our bed and hoping she would lie quietly next to me, it was not to be so I gave in and got up with her.

After I made the girls breakfast and put on their favie tv programmes, I creep back up to my bed, really I know I should get up and do stuff to take my mind off this feeling. I feel guilty for lying here and leaving the kids downstairs to their own devices and that makes the anxiety worse. It's the school holidays here now so we don't have to rush anywhere but still, I feel like bad mum.

I found an interesting article here about morning anxiety. I know all about the blood sugar levels dropping in the morning due to lack of food and I do try to eat something as soon as I get up, but lately I've still been feeling crap until about 1pm, so is that normal? I don't know.

http://www.conqueranxiety.com/Understanding+Early+Morning+Anxiety-FD1.html

It could be the fluoxetine side effects, (they make me yawn like crazy in the mornings, it's still early days on those I suppose. Roll on the pm!

I'm going to bake cakes with the girls!!!

Update on Woe is Me..cheered up a bit

To follow on from my last dramatic post where J was hugely insensitive and upset me. He took the girls swimming and I had a nap, a shower, a tidy up and managed to pull myself together.

I knew the silent treatment would work...he came home all sheepish after swimming with flowers and apologised to me. I knew I was in the right!

So all's well that ends well for today....YAY!

Woe is me :(

I'm wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity today.

J came home at about 3:30am this morning and woke me up with his stumbling around and consequent snoring, I only got about 4 hours of quality sleep last night, I'm completely exhausted.

I broke the news about the car this morning and he called me an airhead, made me feel bad about it, just as I thought he would.

Then he decided to ask me how I felt about moving to SINGAPORE!! (this was what the meetings in London were about). Well you can imagine, I am the person who doesn't like going out of her comfort zone, I even get anxious on European holidays, I would probably have some kind of total meltdown if I went to live in Singapore.

This is why:

• I'm very close to my family and I would miss them so much - I need them
• My mum won't fly and I hate flying, so every trip home would be traumatic
• I would miss my friends
• I hate hot, humid weather
• I get serious culture shock
• I would have to live in an Expat community with people I probably have nothing much in common with and probably wouldn't like.
• I just don't want to, I want to stay here

I knoooow, I sound so boring and unadventurous. I just have no urge to travel the world and I never have - I'm quite happy where I am thankyou.

J said that I must not love him if I would not do this for him and our family...I'm so selfish etc, etc. The way I see it is, he has always known what I am like, why the fuck is he with me if I am holding him back so much???

He says we never do what he wants to do - well that is bull, every year we go on holiday abroad and I would rather not - I do that for him and the kids, not for me!!

I don't see the point in us being together anymore, I feel lonely because he doesn't understand how hard it is. I feel selfish and a bad mum for holding my family back, like he says I am.

I can't believe he decided to bring up this argument in my current state of mind as well, I feel like he did it deliberately to upset me. He knew how I would react and I've spent the whole morning crying. I wanted to get better, I really feel kicked back down now :(

..and relaxxxx

Well, after my dramatic day of car injuring and trauma's, things have relaxed now.

I ventured out in the car again to pick up my mum and then we went to watch the girls performance, my mum was really stressed when I picked her up because she was being divebombed by protective mother seagulls (seagulls are total nightmare here at this time of year). My mum has a phobia of birds, so I had to calm her down rather than the other way around.

Anyway, I dosed us both up with some Rescue Remedy and then we went to watch my princesses prance about in their show - which was lovely, I didn't feel anxious at all any more.

We all came back home to mine afterwards and my mum and I cooked dinner and started on the wine, so we are a bit tipsy now. I know I shouldn't be drinking now in my current state of mind and I know I will feel like shit tomorrow, but I just need it to relax after a stressy day.

We are watching that awful Big Brother, but why o why?? I don't even like any of the cretinous contestents, I don't want any of them to win.

Anx, Injured Car and Bad Language

Ugh...

I've just arrived back from taking the girls to gym.

The build-up to leaving the house was effing awful, Cass was playing up big time and freaking about her hair and clothes, my stress levels were through the roof. Then we eventually got out and got in the car, Cass still whinging. I felt panic rising while I was driving a few times, I felt like turning back, but I took some Rescue Remedy and somehow kept on going.

The first carpark was full...DAMN!

So we drove on a little and found another one, a left turn into this narrow little carpark entrance with a metal thing around it. I took the turn too wide and was too close to the metal bar on the right side - the parking sensor was beeping like mad but there was a car right up my arse behind me in a queue on the main road and I couldn't reverse - I was panicking! SHIT...I kept on going with my fingers crossed......

Yes, Sods Law... I scraped the wheel arch on the metal thing.. FUCK!!

So then I was highly anxious, somehow managed to get the girls to gym on time but was in derealisation mode - like it wasn't actually my body. Got back in the car, realised I had no frikkin fuel left and in no mood to go to garage, but I had to. I had begun to calm down so went and got fuel and this went ok but I still have that wierd spaced 'not quite here' feeling.

I feel exhausted and I have to go do it all again in half an hour, luckily my mum is coming too but we have to sit in the room with other people and watch while the kids do their performance. It's only for 15 mins though so hopefully I'll be ok.

I'm so disappointed, I really thought I was feeling better. I hope this is just a temporary blip.

And what is J gonna say when I tell him I damaged the car?????

Not quite my normal self...

Day 20 on fluoxetine

Woke up this morning and that demon anxiety is hanging around. Feeling tired, dizzy, jittery, funny feeling in tummy. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone today and I have stuff planned :/

I'm trying to work out why...

Possibilities

Lack of sleep. J woke me up about 5.30am as he was catching the early flight to LDN this morning and I didn't go back to sleep properly.

J away in London. I have to take the kids to their gymastics later, they are holding a show for the parents for the last 15 minutes and I feel nervous about this for some reason. Also that J is not nearby - he's become my crutch lately.

Period. It's the first day of my period and feel generally like poo.

Alcohol yesterday. I had 4 glasses of wine yesterday evening at my friends house, the last one was at about 9pm but I'm wondering if I have the after effects. The meds enhance the effect of the alcohol, maybe the hangover too.

What to do.....? I just feel like sleeping it off in the security of my bed, but the girls are downstairs on their own and I feel guilty.

Almost my normal self....

So...shopping yesterday...

There was this slight anxiety on the peripheral the whole time, but something about H&M made me feel better. J and I went for a glass of wine after we made some purchases and it was sooooo lovely. We picked the girls up from their gym (or rather - I skipped) and yessss, I felt fine!!

Today, first day of period, felt a bit shit and tired - but not particularly anxious.

Pottered about with the girls this morning, they had gym in the afternoon and I spent it sunbathing in the garden. Then my friend (bitchy mum) phoned and invited us all to hers after gym. My lovely friend (enthusiastic mum) was there too and I haven't seen her for ages, she helped me so much last time I went through this.

Last week I wouldn't have been able to to venture out of the house , but I did it today. I felt slightly nervous before I left the house but once we got there totally fine. Bitchy mum opened the wine and we had a lovely time while the kids played in the garden. Enthusiastic mum made a shock announcement that she is pregnant by accident (she had 2 girls same ages as mine and didn't plan anymore), she is terrified and I would be too!!

Oh, and Josie just told me Jordan looks older than me, WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING....YAY!

Jo...is the 'real you' back????

Shoptastic

Day 18 on fluoxetine


J and I have planned to go holiday clothes shopping while the girls are at jungle gym this afternoon.

Now it is true that when I am spending my anxiety lifts a little - so I'm trying not to feel nervous about it and enjoy it like I used to.

Hey I should get off here and go and have a shower.

Wish me luck!!

Animal Hospital

Day 17 on Fluoxetine

I felt pretty rough this morning, my sinuses hurt and I was sooo tired, not sure if it was the few glasses of wine I had yesterday or just one of those things. Anyhoo, because of this I felt a bit more anxious today.

It wasn't a good start to the day when a screaming Josie ran into my room to say that the cat had got a bird and it was flying around the kitchen. I went down and found our serial killer cat, Chester, eyeball to eyeball with this tiny bird on the kitchen floor. He was having fun tormenting it, so Josie dragged him away and I picked up this terrified little bird in a tea towel.

It didn't look injured but it was completely stunned, I didn't want to release it outside straight away so we popped it into a shoe box and put it in the spare room with the wounded guineau pig (see yesterday's post), which is still alive. It's like animal hospital in there.

About an hour later I went back in the room and the bird started flying about, I thought "how the frick am I going to catch it?", but it flew into the window and stunned itself again -and pooped all over the windowsill. I gathered it up in the tea towel again and released it out of the window...it flew away to freedom...YAY! I hope it will be ok.

The girls had Jungle gym again this afternoon and J had tennis, so Chester the serial killer settled himself on my lap and we dozed for an hour - it was looovely.

My mood brightened so much after that nap, and I was happy mummy again when the girls came home.

J and I spent the evening watching The Day After Tomorrow - which is not a film to watch if you are feeling in any way anxious, but I enjoyed it anyway.

It's been interesting...

Such a gorgeous day today!

When we returned from our trip to my parents house the girls went to Jungle Gymnastics, J had a meeting and I played on Second Life for an hour - shoulda gone outside and enjoyed the sunshine, but honestly, it was too hot (did I just say that?).

When J got back we went to pick the girls up from their gym, then we went to the shoe shop and got the girls some shoes and trainers, then to Sainsbury's for BBQ stuff. No stress at all, J reckons that I'm fine as long as I'm spending over £100 a day. (LOL! He could be right)

Had a very sociable time in the garden chatting with the neighbours, our kids rampaging around with the neighbours kids, all visiting eachothers gardens, glass of wine or two - really good fun, I felt like ME again!

Bit of a disaster happened though. J moved Sui's (our guinea pig's) run across the grass with Sui in it and something has injured her, she looks like she has been sliced across the neck with something, really huge open wounds.

I did my animal hospital bit and cleaned up her neck with Savlon disinfectant spray - I hope that's ok to use on guineau pigs - it's fine for kids anyway! I've put her into the indoor cage in the spare room with some clean bedding and I'm hoping that she wills survive the night, she's in a really bad way, if she doesn't die of the wounds the shock might kill her - poor Sui!

Fingers crossed she makes it through the night and we'll take her to the vet tomorrow, watch this space....

Brrrum Bruummm

Day 15 on fluoxetine

Yessss, I did it!

Yesterday we drove out to my parents for the first time since I have been feeling like this, I have not been able to step foot in our car for a couple of weeks.

Well I did it!! You may wonder, what is the issue with sitting as a passenger in a car? The issue is sitting, not doing anything, being able to think, thinking is not good when you are in this anxious frame of mind - you start thinking of how you are feeling, are you going to panic, are you going to want to jump out of the car and run screaming up the hard shoulder???

I didn't do any of those things, yes I felt a bit nervous on the first part of the journey, the kids were fighting and J was getting annoyed at me not telling them off, I was too busy trying to keep myself together.

Anyway, I settled into it and it was quite nice, we arrived at my mum and dads safely with no incident.

Next hurdle
My parents live in the countryside, it was a beautiful day so we decided to go for a walk up the track - a steepish hill through the fields. I was fine, but after about a mile I got the visual disturbances, like little lights in my vision (I get these a lot and always have done, but when I am having anxious periods I worry about them). So I began to think that I was feeling dizzy and hot and my mind started going off on one, like, how would an ambulance get here? sort of crap - it sounds so stupid now.
I told my mum I felt a bit dizzy and in true mum style she said "well, if you faint we'll leave you here and pick you up on the way back" anyway that made me laugh and then I felt a bit better again.

We stayed at my parents house last night and then J drove us home this morning, announcing half way that we would be picking his car up from the garage and I would have to DRIVE MY CAR. I haven't driven in ages....eeeeeeeeps!

So I fended off the anx all the way to the garage at the thought of driving, we arrived there and I jumped in the drivers seat, J then realised that the garage was closed so he couldn't pick up his car.

Guess what? I drove anyway and it was totally fine!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

OMG Grrrrr..Seagulls and Snoring

Day 14 on fluoxetine

**YAWNS** Another rude awakening early this morning. This time it was every seagull in our city having a party on my roof, and whenever they stopped making a racket, J started snoring...BAAAAH!

After about an hour of feeling irritated I gave up and got up, so here I am, yawning and grumpy on the sofa.

I think I have the dreaded PMS, I was hoping these tablets would alleviate those rising irritable symptoms on the lead up to my period, it's not happening yet anyway. Lets hope for next month.

We plan to go out to my parents house this afternoon, this will be the first long car journey (45 mins) since I started with this latest bout of anx stuff. We were supposed to go last Sunday but I just wasn't up to it then.

I'm feeling less anxious about it today, so here's hoping I'll be ok in the car. J will be driving, I still haven't attempted to drive yet since all this started - that will be the next hurdle. Maybe I will drive home.