J came home at about 3:30am this morning and woke me up with his stumbling around and consequent snoring, I only got about 4 hours of quality sleep last night, I'm completely exhausted.
I broke the news about the car this morning and he called me an airhead, made me feel bad about it, just as I thought he would.
Then he decided to ask me how I felt about moving to SINGAPORE!! (this was what the meetings in London were about). Well you can imagine, I am the person who doesn't like going out of her comfort zone, I even get anxious on European holidays, I would probably have some kind of total meltdown if I went to live in Singapore.
This is why:
- I'm very close to my family and I would miss them so much - I need them
- My mum won't fly and I hate flying, so every trip home would be traumatic
- I would miss my friends
- I hate hot, humid weather
- I get serious culture shock
- I would have to live in an Expat community with people I probably have nothing much in common with and probably wouldn't like.
- I just don't want to, I want to stay here
J said that I must not love him if I would not do this for him and our family...I'm so selfish etc, etc. The way I see it is, he has always known what I am like, why the fuck is he with me if I am holding him back so much???
He says we never do what he wants to do - well that is bull, every year we go on holiday abroad and I would rather not - I do that for him and the kids, not for me!!
I don't see the point in us being together anymore, I feel lonely because he doesn't understand how hard it is. I feel selfish and a bad mum for holding my family back, like he says I am.
I can't believe he decided to bring up this argument in my current state of mind as well, I feel like he did it deliberately to upset me. He knew how I would react and I've spent the whole morning crying. I wanted to get better, I really feel kicked back down now :(
5 comments:
Awww, Jo, that sucks. Sending you the hugest of hugs. Remember *anybody* would be upset by this, no matter their state of mind, so don't you dare go giving yourself a hard time for reacting emotionally - it's totally normal and understandable. You have shown yourself to be so strong and brave over the last weeks of this blog, just you keep remembering that. *hugs more*
Hi.
This is a situation that has arisen many times between my husband and i. My husband wants to live abroad and i KNOW he will do it with or without me. Sadly for him he's not able to emigrate because of the financial issues that go along side moving abroad. The last time we had this discussion he was going to work in Japan. After many-a-row we decided that he would live over there and come back for visits. I agreed to that, but sadly it fell through.
I would never move abroad, not while i still have my mother alive, but saying that, if any were to happen to her given the opportunity, i wouldn't hesitate to leave the country. I have no one here to stay for.
My husband [the nice fella he is] regulary tells me how much of a burden i am and that i hold him back....with him saying that...i remind him i stop him doing nothing!!
Men are insentive...
Thanks efe, I suppose I have to come to terms with the fact that I'll have bad days like always. I was mostly annoyed that he did this when he knew how sensitive I am right now, but that's men for ya.
Sarah, you and I should shack up together and they can bog off to the far east, LOL!
It all turned out ok in the end, he ate humble pie and came home with flowers for me, so I've forgiven him :)
Men can be right pricks sometimes.. I know what you mean when you talk about not liking to go out of your comfort zone, not to mention not knowing anyone. We just went on a vacation and my anxiety was definitely there for most of the trip, but like you, I make the best effort to push through for my family.
I live in the USA and have thought about moving but my entire support system is here. I would have to get my mum, my mother-in-law and family to move with me and that would prove very difficult..lol
Him saying you don't love him is a bullshit way of making you feel bad. Don't you wish that they could have a really bad panic attack just once so they could feel those feelings and gain some perspective of what we go through on a daily basis.
Keep your chin up from what I've read you seem like a good mum, who wants the best for her children. Trust me we all have those days where we put the telly on for the kids and curl up in bed. your not alone there luv.
Kirst
Hi Kirst, thanks for visiting my blog.
Yes, I wish he could experience this feeling and then maybe he wouldn't be so insensitive. He's of the opinion that 'it's all in my head'. Of course it is, and therein lies the problem.
Sometimes it can be annoying living with a positive person, but at the same time if he wasn't like this, maybe I would wallow in it even more and allow it to take over. (as much as I hate to say it LOL)
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