Well hullo thurr.
I had a great summer and I'm feeling so much better. I have been pretty busy and I haven't really looked too much at anything which reminds me of how I felt a few months ago, (which is why I haven't been on this blog), I guess I was a bit worried it would trigger a relapse.
My girls are back to school now and John is working from home on a contract project (don't ask me what he is doing 'cos I haven't a clue). It's been great having him around though, I thought he would get on my nerves after a while but it's reminded me what great company he is and how much fun we have together...and no we aren't romping in the bed all day (much to his disappointment) :D It's just nice to spend time together with no demanding children around, and we appreciate them so much more when they come home from school as well.
So all is good in the hood (so they say in the hood, not that I live in the hood).
I'm still on the Prozac and I feel great, I actually enjoy doing things now. I didn't realise how low I was before but now in hindsight I know I was, for a long time...even before the anxiety kicked in again, I got no pleasure out of anything - I felt very flat and bored with life but I was trying not to think about it.
I'm not sure what the future holds with regards to these tablets, I would happily stay on them for ever but I guess that they would lose effectiveness after a while, so I suppose I will probably do what I did last time and come off then after about 6-8 mths. Will see how things go.
I will pop on here from time to time for a rant and an update. I hope you are all well reading this.
Big virtual hugs to you all
Love Jo
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Friday, 25 July 2008
Nearly holiday time...woooh!
OK, so tomorrow is holiday day, and guess what? I am actually looking forward to it now.
I'm so glad we aren't flying anywhere after hearing about the flight to Australia which had a hole ripped out of it mid air. That is what my nightmares are made of, I could just imagine sitting in that plane feeling paralysed with terror. I'm so glad that everyone lived to tell the tale.
We are all off to the Lake District, J's parents rent a cottage there every year and invite all the family over, so we have J's 3 sisters and their families all in one space...yes, that means fireworks! As much as I love J's mum she is the most unrelaxing, fussy person ever and she seems to really provoke an irritation in her offspring (and me). They all start bickering and there is often serious tension. Luckily we are not staying in the same place, so me, J and the kids can escape when it all gets too much....thank the Lordy.
The following week we are renting a cottage in Suffolk with my parents, my Aunt and Unc and some of their kids, my brother and his girlfriend. Now this will be fun, we all have a complete riot when we are together.
I am so glad I am feelng better. I would not have been able to do this a couple of weeks ago. I know I will have anxious moments, but I have to realise that that's all they are and they will pass.
I think we are taking the laptop, so I may pop on for a bit of blogging from time to time, (spill my heart out here if I need to). I'll try to take lots of nice pics if I can work out how to use the bloody camera.
Byee for now x
I'm so glad we aren't flying anywhere after hearing about the flight to Australia which had a hole ripped out of it mid air. That is what my nightmares are made of, I could just imagine sitting in that plane feeling paralysed with terror. I'm so glad that everyone lived to tell the tale.
We are all off to the Lake District, J's parents rent a cottage there every year and invite all the family over, so we have J's 3 sisters and their families all in one space...yes, that means fireworks! As much as I love J's mum she is the most unrelaxing, fussy person ever and she seems to really provoke an irritation in her offspring (and me). They all start bickering and there is often serious tension. Luckily we are not staying in the same place, so me, J and the kids can escape when it all gets too much....thank the Lordy.
The following week we are renting a cottage in Suffolk with my parents, my Aunt and Unc and some of their kids, my brother and his girlfriend. Now this will be fun, we all have a complete riot when we are together.
I am so glad I am feelng better. I would not have been able to do this a couple of weeks ago. I know I will have anxious moments, but I have to realise that that's all they are and they will pass.
I think we are taking the laptop, so I may pop on for a bit of blogging from time to time, (spill my heart out here if I need to). I'll try to take lots of nice pics if I can work out how to use the bloody camera.
Byee for now x
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Beaches and parks
It's been a glorious couple of days here, over 27 deg..that's scorchio for Scotland!!!
I've been so busy, out and about a lot with friends. Yesterday afternoon we all headed to the park with our children, I snuck off and went to the docs for my follow-up check.
Last time saw I the Dr (around 2 mths ago), I had become hugely agoraphobic and was just about having a nervous breakdown - what a difference in me now. `The Dr thinks I should have counselling again but I don't see the point, I had CBT last time I went through this, and yes it was helpful, but I know how it works now and I think it's basic common sense.
I could not have put it into practice when I was in the throes of my panic disorder, but now the meds have lifted me out of the dark place I can use the skills (and I am using them). I really don't feel I need any other counselling as my problem is just part of my personality, it's nothing to do with my childhood or anything terrible happening to me, I know how to sort my thought processes out, I just had to be in the right frame of mind to do it (does that make sense?)
The shingles did not make an appearance thankfully, but I got the antiviral's just in case it decides to try to rear it's blistery ugly head again.
Today we went to the beach with friends. It was absolutely baking here in the city centre where we live, but jeeez, it was windy and freezing at the beach. We found a sheltered spot in the dunes and had a really great day. I'm feeling a little sun damaged but I've been out and not even a tinge of anx today...YAY!!!
I've been so busy, out and about a lot with friends. Yesterday afternoon we all headed to the park with our children, I snuck off and went to the docs for my follow-up check.
Last time saw I the Dr (around 2 mths ago), I had become hugely agoraphobic and was just about having a nervous breakdown - what a difference in me now. `The Dr thinks I should have counselling again but I don't see the point, I had CBT last time I went through this, and yes it was helpful, but I know how it works now and I think it's basic common sense.
I could not have put it into practice when I was in the throes of my panic disorder, but now the meds have lifted me out of the dark place I can use the skills (and I am using them). I really don't feel I need any other counselling as my problem is just part of my personality, it's nothing to do with my childhood or anything terrible happening to me, I know how to sort my thought processes out, I just had to be in the right frame of mind to do it (does that make sense?)
The shingles did not make an appearance thankfully, but I got the antiviral's just in case it decides to try to rear it's blistery ugly head again.
Today we went to the beach with friends. It was absolutely baking here in the city centre where we live, but jeeez, it was windy and freezing at the beach. We found a sheltered spot in the dunes and had a really great day. I'm feeling a little sun damaged but I've been out and not even a tinge of anx today...YAY!!!
Monday, 21 July 2008
Beautiful Day & Shingles
The weather turned out glorious here in my little corner of Scotland, so I arranged to meet my friend "Enthusiastic Mum (EM)" at the park. Now, 1 week ago I would not have even entertained the thought of doing this, so this is a BIG step.
I drove to the park and we actually arrived before EM, that's unusual for me, I'm aways late! There was another person I knew at the park so we chatted for a bit, I had no major pangs of anx. Then EM arrived with her 2 girls and we had such a lovely chat sitting in the warm sun while our girls played together.
I only felt mildly anxious when I became aware of my arm pains, let me tell you about them...
I have recurring bouts of shingles on the palm of my right hand, it only happens once every few years and the episodes are becoming less and less.
One of the early signs I am about to have an attack is arm pains and highly sensitive skin on my inner wrist. When I get an attack of this, it's not just the blisters that are the issue (they are really horrible and painful), but also it usually poisons my lymphatic system and I can see the red lines of the poison track up my arm, my whole arm becomes painful to move and the lymph nodes in my underarm swell, then I have to go on high dose antibiotics. It makes me feel really poorly.
So of course, I am now anxious about this, we are due to go on holiday on Saturday, I really do not want to feel ill. I tried to phone the docs today but I couldn't get an appointment so I'll have to ring tomorrow to see if one becomes available.
The problem is I have to take the anti-viral meds as soon as I feel the tingle to minimise the attack, but I couldn't do that so now I'm worried I will have a bad one.
Sometimes I do get the pre-symptoms and nothing happens, so fingers crossed nothing will come of this.
Interestingly, I checked on the web to see if I can take Acyclovir and Fluoxetine together (I can) and found an article that Fluoxetine has been linked with reactivating the herpes (shingles) virus. Bugger!!
I drove to the park and we actually arrived before EM, that's unusual for me, I'm aways late! There was another person I knew at the park so we chatted for a bit, I had no major pangs of anx. Then EM arrived with her 2 girls and we had such a lovely chat sitting in the warm sun while our girls played together.
I only felt mildly anxious when I became aware of my arm pains, let me tell you about them...
I have recurring bouts of shingles on the palm of my right hand, it only happens once every few years and the episodes are becoming less and less.
One of the early signs I am about to have an attack is arm pains and highly sensitive skin on my inner wrist. When I get an attack of this, it's not just the blisters that are the issue (they are really horrible and painful), but also it usually poisons my lymphatic system and I can see the red lines of the poison track up my arm, my whole arm becomes painful to move and the lymph nodes in my underarm swell, then I have to go on high dose antibiotics. It makes me feel really poorly.
So of course, I am now anxious about this, we are due to go on holiday on Saturday, I really do not want to feel ill. I tried to phone the docs today but I couldn't get an appointment so I'll have to ring tomorrow to see if one becomes available.
The problem is I have to take the anti-viral meds as soon as I feel the tingle to minimise the attack, but I couldn't do that so now I'm worried I will have a bad one.
Sometimes I do get the pre-symptoms and nothing happens, so fingers crossed nothing will come of this.
Interestingly, I checked on the web to see if I can take Acyclovir and Fluoxetine together (I can) and found an article that Fluoxetine has been linked with reactivating the herpes (shingles) virus. Bugger!!
Owwww!
Another moany morning post from me. Lack of sleep Ahoy!
I woke at about 3am and my jaw had locked out of place, have you ever had this? It's HORRIBLE! Honestly, it was truly stuck, after a minute of panic I managed to relax it and get it back into place again, but it took me ages to get back to sleep and now my jaw really hurts.
On a good note, it's brightened up outside at last, it seemed like Winter was coming over the past couple of days, and, *drum roll*....I've lost 11lbs!!!! This is a good side effect of the fluoxetine.
I was never overweight, but I had a bit of a muffin top and tummy and this has now disappeared..YAY!
Last time I was on this medication I lost too much weight and it made me look unhealthy, so I'm hoping that the weight loss will stop here, I just want to stay as I am now.
Did you know that the fluoxetine is an ingredient in a Brazillian slimming pill?
I woke at about 3am and my jaw had locked out of place, have you ever had this? It's HORRIBLE! Honestly, it was truly stuck, after a minute of panic I managed to relax it and get it back into place again, but it took me ages to get back to sleep and now my jaw really hurts.
On a good note, it's brightened up outside at last, it seemed like Winter was coming over the past couple of days, and, *drum roll*....I've lost 11lbs!!!! This is a good side effect of the fluoxetine.
I was never overweight, but I had a bit of a muffin top and tummy and this has now disappeared..YAY!
Last time I was on this medication I lost too much weight and it made me look unhealthy, so I'm hoping that the weight loss will stop here, I just want to stay as I am now.
Did you know that the fluoxetine is an ingredient in a Brazillian slimming pill?
Sunday, 20 July 2008
I LIKE Afternoons and Evenings
S0 now it's after 3pm. Just as I thought I rallied around at about 12pm after a shower and hairwash. The girls and I baked Banana Bread, our first attempt and it rocked. YUM! Actually I feel a bit sick now 'cos that's all I've eaten all afternoon.
We decided we should have a beauty afternoon, so the girls painted my toenails and I did their's. Then Josie asked me to cut her hair into a bob, (I am no hairdresser btw), after I bathed them I got the scissors out and set to work, Josie's hair was down to the middle of her back and she wanted it chin length...gulp!
So I chopped away and actually I did not a bad job, she was delighted. While I was in the mood I hacked the straggly ends off Cass's hair as well - she looks supercute now too!
Now I just need to get mine done, it's way too long and out of control. S'pose I'll have to go the the hairdresser though *tuts*
We decided we should have a beauty afternoon, so the girls painted my toenails and I did their's. Then Josie asked me to cut her hair into a bob, (I am no hairdresser btw), after I bathed them I got the scissors out and set to work, Josie's hair was down to the middle of her back and she wanted it chin length...gulp!
So I chopped away and actually I did not a bad job, she was delighted. While I was in the mood I hacked the straggly ends off Cass's hair as well - she looks supercute now too!
Now I just need to get mine done, it's way too long and out of control. S'pose I'll have to go the the hairdresser though *tuts*
I HATE Mornings!!
Week 3 on fluoxetine
I've never been a morning person. Ideally I would get up around 10am (given the chance, unfortunately with kids - that's not possible). Since I've been suffering this latest episode of anxiety I have been AWFUL in the mornings, I've been waking quite early - about 7ish, but then I lie in bed feeling anxious and jittery - fast heartbeat, butterflies in tummy, all of that.
As usual, this morning our 5 yr old, Cass, woke in our bed...she is the most unrelaxing child in the morning. She kicks me in the tummy when I have a full bladder and will be really annoying until one of us gets up and takes her downstairs.
J left at 8am (he's such an annoying morning person) to do his motorbike training, so after putting the kids tv on in our bed and hoping she would lie quietly next to me, it was not to be so I gave in and got up with her.
After I made the girls breakfast and put on their favie tv programmes, I creep back up to my bed, really I know I should get up and do stuff to take my mind off this feeling. I feel guilty for lying here and leaving the kids downstairs to their own devices and that makes the anxiety worse. It's the school holidays here now so we don't have to rush anywhere but still, I feel like bad mum.
I found an interesting article here about morning anxiety. I know all about the blood sugar levels dropping in the morning due to lack of food and I do try to eat something as soon as I get up, but lately I've still been feeling crap until about 1pm, so is that normal? I don't know.
http://www.conqueranxiety.com/Understanding+Early+Morning+Anxiety-FD1.html
It could be the fluoxetine side effects, (they make me yawn like crazy in the mornings, it's still early days on those I suppose. Roll on the pm!
I'm going to bake cakes with the girls!!!
I've never been a morning person. Ideally I would get up around 10am (given the chance, unfortunately with kids - that's not possible). Since I've been suffering this latest episode of anxiety I have been AWFUL in the mornings, I've been waking quite early - about 7ish, but then I lie in bed feeling anxious and jittery - fast heartbeat, butterflies in tummy, all of that.
As usual, this morning our 5 yr old, Cass, woke in our bed...she is the most unrelaxing child in the morning. She kicks me in the tummy when I have a full bladder and will be really annoying until one of us gets up and takes her downstairs.
J left at 8am (he's such an annoying morning person) to do his motorbike training, so after putting the kids tv on in our bed and hoping she would lie quietly next to me, it was not to be so I gave in and got up with her.
After I made the girls breakfast and put on their favie tv programmes, I creep back up to my bed, really I know I should get up and do stuff to take my mind off this feeling. I feel guilty for lying here and leaving the kids downstairs to their own devices and that makes the anxiety worse. It's the school holidays here now so we don't have to rush anywhere but still, I feel like bad mum.
I found an interesting article here about morning anxiety. I know all about the blood sugar levels dropping in the morning due to lack of food and I do try to eat something as soon as I get up, but lately I've still been feeling crap until about 1pm, so is that normal? I don't know.
http://www.conqueranxiety.com/Understanding+Early+Morning+Anxiety-FD1.html
It could be the fluoxetine side effects, (they make me yawn like crazy in the mornings, it's still early days on those I suppose. Roll on the pm!
I'm going to bake cakes with the girls!!!
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Update on Woe is Me..cheered up a bit
To follow on from my last dramatic post where J was hugely insensitive and upset me. He took the girls swimming and I had a nap, a shower, a tidy up and managed to pull myself together.
I knew the silent treatment would work...he came home all sheepish after swimming with flowers and apologised to me. I knew I was in the right!
So all's well that ends well for today....YAY!
I knew the silent treatment would work...he came home all sheepish after swimming with flowers and apologised to me. I knew I was in the right!
So all's well that ends well for today....YAY!
Woe is me :(
I'm wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity today.
J came home at about 3:30am this morning and woke me up with his stumbling around and consequent snoring, I only got about 4 hours of quality sleep last night, I'm completely exhausted.
I broke the news about the car this morning and he called me an airhead, made me feel bad about it, just as I thought he would.
Then he decided to ask me how I felt about moving to SINGAPORE!! (this was what the meetings in London were about). Well you can imagine, I am the person who doesn't like going out of her comfort zone, I even get anxious on European holidays, I would probably have some kind of total meltdown if I went to live in Singapore.
This is why:
J said that I must not love him if I would not do this for him and our family...I'm so selfish etc, etc. The way I see it is, he has always known what I am like, why the fuck is he with me if I am holding him back so much???
He says we never do what he wants to do - well that is bull, every year we go on holiday abroad and I would rather not - I do that for him and the kids, not for me!!
I don't see the point in us being together anymore, I feel lonely because he doesn't understand how hard it is. I feel selfish and a bad mum for holding my family back, like he says I am.
I can't believe he decided to bring up this argument in my current state of mind as well, I feel like he did it deliberately to upset me. He knew how I would react and I've spent the whole morning crying. I wanted to get better, I really feel kicked back down now :(
J came home at about 3:30am this morning and woke me up with his stumbling around and consequent snoring, I only got about 4 hours of quality sleep last night, I'm completely exhausted.
I broke the news about the car this morning and he called me an airhead, made me feel bad about it, just as I thought he would.
Then he decided to ask me how I felt about moving to SINGAPORE!! (this was what the meetings in London were about). Well you can imagine, I am the person who doesn't like going out of her comfort zone, I even get anxious on European holidays, I would probably have some kind of total meltdown if I went to live in Singapore.
This is why:
- I'm very close to my family and I would miss them so much - I need them
- My mum won't fly and I hate flying, so every trip home would be traumatic
- I would miss my friends
- I hate hot, humid weather
- I get serious culture shock
- I would have to live in an Expat community with people I probably have nothing much in common with and probably wouldn't like.
- I just don't want to, I want to stay here
J said that I must not love him if I would not do this for him and our family...I'm so selfish etc, etc. The way I see it is, he has always known what I am like, why the fuck is he with me if I am holding him back so much???
He says we never do what he wants to do - well that is bull, every year we go on holiday abroad and I would rather not - I do that for him and the kids, not for me!!
I don't see the point in us being together anymore, I feel lonely because he doesn't understand how hard it is. I feel selfish and a bad mum for holding my family back, like he says I am.
I can't believe he decided to bring up this argument in my current state of mind as well, I feel like he did it deliberately to upset me. He knew how I would react and I've spent the whole morning crying. I wanted to get better, I really feel kicked back down now :(
Friday, 18 July 2008
..and relaxxxx
Well, after my dramatic day of car injuring and trauma's, things have relaxed now.
I ventured out in the car again to pick up my mum and then we went to watch the girls performance, my mum was really stressed when I picked her up because she was being divebombed by protective mother seagulls (seagulls are total nightmare here at this time of year). My mum has a phobia of birds, so I had to calm her down rather than the other way around.
Anyway, I dosed us both up with some Rescue Remedy and then we went to watch my princesses prance about in their show - which was lovely, I didn't feel anxious at all any more.
We all came back home to mine afterwards and my mum and I cooked dinner and started on the wine, so we are a bit tipsy now. I know I shouldn't be drinking now in my current state of mind and I know I will feel like shit tomorrow, but I just need it to relax after a stressy day.
We are watching that awful Big Brother, but why o why?? I don't even like any of the cretinous contestents, I don't want any of them to win.
I ventured out in the car again to pick up my mum and then we went to watch the girls performance, my mum was really stressed when I picked her up because she was being divebombed by protective mother seagulls (seagulls are total nightmare here at this time of year). My mum has a phobia of birds, so I had to calm her down rather than the other way around.
Anyway, I dosed us both up with some Rescue Remedy and then we went to watch my princesses prance about in their show - which was lovely, I didn't feel anxious at all any more.
We all came back home to mine afterwards and my mum and I cooked dinner and started on the wine, so we are a bit tipsy now. I know I shouldn't be drinking now in my current state of mind and I know I will feel like shit tomorrow, but I just need it to relax after a stressy day.
We are watching that awful Big Brother, but why o why?? I don't even like any of the cretinous contestents, I don't want any of them to win.
Anx, Injured Car and Bad Language
Ugh...
I've just arrived back from taking the girls to gym.
The build-up to leaving the house was effing awful, Cass was playing up big time and freaking about her hair and clothes, my stress levels were through the roof. Then we eventually got out and got in the car, Cass still whinging. I felt panic rising while I was driving a few times, I felt like turning back, but I took some Rescue Remedy and somehow kept on going.
The first carpark was full...DAMN!
So we drove on a little and found another one, a left turn into this narrow little carpark entrance with a metal thing around it. I took the turn too wide and was too close to the metal bar on the right side - the parking sensor was beeping like mad but there was a car right up my arse behind me in a queue on the main road and I couldn't reverse - I was panicking! SHIT...I kept on going with my fingers crossed......
Yes, Sods Law... I scraped the wheel arch on the metal thing.. FUCK!!
So then I was highly anxious, somehow managed to get the girls to gym on time but was in derealisation mode - like it wasn't actually my body. Got back in the car, realised I had no frikkin fuel left and in no mood to go to garage, but I had to. I had begun to calm down so went and got fuel and this went ok but I still have that wierd spaced 'not quite here' feeling.
I feel exhausted and I have to go do it all again in half an hour, luckily my mum is coming too but we have to sit in the room with other people and watch while the kids do their performance. It's only for 15 mins though so hopefully I'll be ok.
I'm so disappointed, I really thought I was feeling better. I hope this is just a temporary blip.
And what is J gonna say when I tell him I damaged the car?????
I've just arrived back from taking the girls to gym.
The build-up to leaving the house was effing awful, Cass was playing up big time and freaking about her hair and clothes, my stress levels were through the roof. Then we eventually got out and got in the car, Cass still whinging. I felt panic rising while I was driving a few times, I felt like turning back, but I took some Rescue Remedy and somehow kept on going.
The first carpark was full...DAMN!
So we drove on a little and found another one, a left turn into this narrow little carpark entrance with a metal thing around it. I took the turn too wide and was too close to the metal bar on the right side - the parking sensor was beeping like mad but there was a car right up my arse behind me in a queue on the main road and I couldn't reverse - I was panicking! SHIT...I kept on going with my fingers crossed......
Yes, Sods Law... I scraped the wheel arch on the metal thing.. FUCK!!
So then I was highly anxious, somehow managed to get the girls to gym on time but was in derealisation mode - like it wasn't actually my body. Got back in the car, realised I had no frikkin fuel left and in no mood to go to garage, but I had to. I had begun to calm down so went and got fuel and this went ok but I still have that wierd spaced 'not quite here' feeling.
I feel exhausted and I have to go do it all again in half an hour, luckily my mum is coming too but we have to sit in the room with other people and watch while the kids do their performance. It's only for 15 mins though so hopefully I'll be ok.
I'm so disappointed, I really thought I was feeling better. I hope this is just a temporary blip.
And what is J gonna say when I tell him I damaged the car?????
Not quite my normal self...
Day 20 on fluoxetine
Woke up this morning and that demon anxiety is hanging around. Feeling tired, dizzy, jittery, funny feeling in tummy. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone today and I have stuff planned :/
I'm trying to work out why...
Possibilities
Lack of sleep. J woke me up about 5.30am as he was catching the early flight to LDN this morning and I didn't go back to sleep properly.
J away in London. I have to take the kids to their gymastics later, they are holding a show for the parents for the last 15 minutes and I feel nervous about this for some reason. Also that J is not nearby - he's become my crutch lately.
Period. It's the first day of my period and feel generally like poo.
Alcohol yesterday. I had 4 glasses of wine yesterday evening at my friends house, the last one was at about 9pm but I'm wondering if I have the after effects. The meds enhance the effect of the alcohol, maybe the hangover too.
What to do.....? I just feel like sleeping it off in the security of my bed, but the girls are downstairs on their own and I feel guilty.
Woke up this morning and that demon anxiety is hanging around. Feeling tired, dizzy, jittery, funny feeling in tummy. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone today and I have stuff planned :/
I'm trying to work out why...
Possibilities
Lack of sleep. J woke me up about 5.30am as he was catching the early flight to LDN this morning and I didn't go back to sleep properly.
J away in London. I have to take the kids to their gymastics later, they are holding a show for the parents for the last 15 minutes and I feel nervous about this for some reason. Also that J is not nearby - he's become my crutch lately.
Period. It's the first day of my period and feel generally like poo.
Alcohol yesterday. I had 4 glasses of wine yesterday evening at my friends house, the last one was at about 9pm but I'm wondering if I have the after effects. The meds enhance the effect of the alcohol, maybe the hangover too.
What to do.....? I just feel like sleeping it off in the security of my bed, but the girls are downstairs on their own and I feel guilty.
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Almost my normal self....
So...shopping yesterday...
There was this slight anxiety on the peripheral the whole time, but something about H&M made me feel better. J and I went for a glass of wine after we made some purchases and it was sooooo lovely. We picked the girls up from their gym (or rather - I skipped) and yessss, I felt fine!!
Today, first day of period, felt a bit shit and tired - but not particularly anxious.
Pottered about with the girls this morning, they had gym in the afternoon and I spent it sunbathing in the garden. Then my friend (bitchy mum) phoned and invited us all to hers after gym. My lovely friend (enthusiastic mum) was there too and I haven't seen her for ages, she helped me so much last time I went through this.
Last week I wouldn't have been able to to venture out of the house , but I did it today. I felt slightly nervous before I left the house but once we got there totally fine. Bitchy mum opened the wine and we had a lovely time while the kids played in the garden. Enthusiastic mum made a shock announcement that she is pregnant by accident (she had 2 girls same ages as mine and didn't plan anymore), she is terrified and I would be too!!
Oh, and Josie just told me Jordan looks older than me, WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING....YAY!
Jo...is the 'real you' back????
There was this slight anxiety on the peripheral the whole time, but something about H&M made me feel better. J and I went for a glass of wine after we made some purchases and it was sooooo lovely. We picked the girls up from their gym (or rather - I skipped) and yessss, I felt fine!!
Today, first day of period, felt a bit shit and tired - but not particularly anxious.
Pottered about with the girls this morning, they had gym in the afternoon and I spent it sunbathing in the garden. Then my friend (bitchy mum) phoned and invited us all to hers after gym. My lovely friend (enthusiastic mum) was there too and I haven't seen her for ages, she helped me so much last time I went through this.
Last week I wouldn't have been able to to venture out of the house , but I did it today. I felt slightly nervous before I left the house but once we got there totally fine. Bitchy mum opened the wine and we had a lovely time while the kids played in the garden. Enthusiastic mum made a shock announcement that she is pregnant by accident (she had 2 girls same ages as mine and didn't plan anymore), she is terrified and I would be too!!
Oh, and Josie just told me Jordan looks older than me, WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING....YAY!
Jo...is the 'real you' back????
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Shoptastic
Day 18 on fluoxetineJ and I have planned to go holiday clothes shopping while the girls are at jungle gym this afternoon.
Now it is true that when I am spending my anxiety lifts a little - so I'm trying not to feel nervous about it and enjoy it like I used to.
Hey I should get off here and go and have a shower.
Wish me luck!!
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Animal Hospital
Day 17 on Fluoxetine
I felt pretty rough this morning, my sinuses hurt and I was sooo tired, not sure if it was the few glasses of wine I had yesterday or just one of those things. Anyhoo, because of this I felt a bit more anxious today.
It wasn't a good start to the day when a screaming Josie ran into my room to say that the cat had got a bird and it was flying around the kitchen. I went down and found our serial killer cat, Chester, eyeball to eyeball with this tiny bird on the kitchen floor. He was having fun tormenting it, so Josie dragged him away and I picked up this terrified little bird in a tea towel.
It didn't look injured but it was completely stunned, I didn't want to release it outside straight away so we popped it into a shoe box and put it in the spare room with the wounded guineau pig (see yesterday's post), which is still alive. It's like animal hospital in there.
About an hour later I went back in the room and the bird started flying about, I thought "how the frick am I going to catch it?", but it flew into the window and stunned itself again -and pooped all over the windowsill. I gathered it up in the tea towel again and released it out of the window...it flew away to freedom...YAY! I hope it will be ok.
The girls had Jungle gym again this afternoon and J had tennis, so Chester the serial killer settled himself on my lap and we dozed for an hour - it was looovely.
My mood brightened so much after that nap, and I was happy mummy again when the girls came home.
J and I spent the evening watching The Day After Tomorrow - which is not a film to watch if you are feeling in any way anxious, but I enjoyed it anyway.
I felt pretty rough this morning, my sinuses hurt and I was sooo tired, not sure if it was the few glasses of wine I had yesterday or just one of those things. Anyhoo, because of this I felt a bit more anxious today.
It wasn't a good start to the day when a screaming Josie ran into my room to say that the cat had got a bird and it was flying around the kitchen. I went down and found our serial killer cat, Chester, eyeball to eyeball with this tiny bird on the kitchen floor. He was having fun tormenting it, so Josie dragged him away and I picked up this terrified little bird in a tea towel.
It didn't look injured but it was completely stunned, I didn't want to release it outside straight away so we popped it into a shoe box and put it in the spare room with the wounded guineau pig (see yesterday's post), which is still alive. It's like animal hospital in there.
About an hour later I went back in the room and the bird started flying about, I thought "how the frick am I going to catch it?", but it flew into the window and stunned itself again -and pooped all over the windowsill. I gathered it up in the tea towel again and released it out of the window...it flew away to freedom...YAY! I hope it will be ok.
The girls had Jungle gym again this afternoon and J had tennis, so Chester the serial killer settled himself on my lap and we dozed for an hour - it was looovely.
My mood brightened so much after that nap, and I was happy mummy again when the girls came home.
J and I spent the evening watching The Day After Tomorrow - which is not a film to watch if you are feeling in any way anxious, but I enjoyed it anyway.
Monday, 14 July 2008
It's been interesting...
Such a gorgeous day today!
When we returned from our trip to my parents house the girls went to Jungle Gymnastics, J had a meeting and I played on Second Life for an hour - shoulda gone outside and enjoyed the sunshine, but honestly, it was too hot (did I just say that?).
When J got back we went to pick the girls up from their gym, then we went to the shoe shop and got the girls some shoes and trainers, then to Sainsbury's for BBQ stuff. No stress at all, J reckons that I'm fine as long as I'm spending over £100 a day. (LOL! He could be right)
Had a very sociable time in the garden chatting with the neighbours, our kids rampaging around with the neighbours kids, all visiting eachothers gardens, glass of wine or two - really good fun, I felt like ME again!
Bit of a disaster happened though. J moved Sui's (our guinea pig's) run across the grass with Sui in it and something has injured her, she looks like she has been sliced across the neck with something, really huge open wounds.
I did my animal hospital bit and cleaned up her neck with Savlon disinfectant spray - I hope that's ok to use on guineau pigs - it's fine for kids anyway! I've put her into the indoor cage in the spare room with some clean bedding and I'm hoping that she wills survive the night, she's in a really bad way, if she doesn't die of the wounds the shock might kill her - poor Sui!
Fingers crossed she makes it through the night and we'll take her to the vet tomorrow, watch this space....
When we returned from our trip to my parents house the girls went to Jungle Gymnastics, J had a meeting and I played on Second Life for an hour - shoulda gone outside and enjoyed the sunshine, but honestly, it was too hot (did I just say that?).
When J got back we went to pick the girls up from their gym, then we went to the shoe shop and got the girls some shoes and trainers, then to Sainsbury's for BBQ stuff. No stress at all, J reckons that I'm fine as long as I'm spending over £100 a day. (LOL! He could be right)
Had a very sociable time in the garden chatting with the neighbours, our kids rampaging around with the neighbours kids, all visiting eachothers gardens, glass of wine or two - really good fun, I felt like ME again!
Bit of a disaster happened though. J moved Sui's (our guinea pig's) run across the grass with Sui in it and something has injured her, she looks like she has been sliced across the neck with something, really huge open wounds.
I did my animal hospital bit and cleaned up her neck with Savlon disinfectant spray - I hope that's ok to use on guineau pigs - it's fine for kids anyway! I've put her into the indoor cage in the spare room with some clean bedding and I'm hoping that she wills survive the night, she's in a really bad way, if she doesn't die of the wounds the shock might kill her - poor Sui!
Fingers crossed she makes it through the night and we'll take her to the vet tomorrow, watch this space....
Brrrum Bruummm
Day 15 on fluoxetine
Yessss, I did it!
Yesterday we drove out to my parents for the first time since I have been feeling like this, I have not been able to step foot in our car for a couple of weeks.
Well I did it!! You may wonder, what is the issue with sitting as a passenger in a car? The issue is sitting, not doing anything, being able to think, thinking is not good when you are in this anxious frame of mind - you start thinking of how you are feeling, are you going to panic, are you going to want to jump out of the car and run screaming up the hard shoulder???
I didn't do any of those things, yes I felt a bit nervous on the first part of the journey, the kids were fighting and J was getting annoyed at me not telling them off, I was too busy trying to keep myself together.
Anyway, I settled into it and it was quite nice, we arrived at my mum and dads safely with no incident.
Next hurdle
My parents live in the countryside, it was a beautiful day so we decided to go for a walk up the track - a steepish hill through the fields. I was fine, but after about a mile I got the visual disturbances, like little lights in my vision (I get these a lot and always have done, but when I am having anxious periods I worry about them). So I began to think that I was feeling dizzy and hot and my mind started going off on one, like, how would an ambulance get here? sort of crap - it sounds so stupid now.
I told my mum I felt a bit dizzy and in true mum style she said "well, if you faint we'll leave you here and pick you up on the way back" anyway that made me laugh and then I felt a bit better again.
We stayed at my parents house last night and then J drove us home this morning, announcing half way that we would be picking his car up from the garage and I would have to DRIVE MY CAR. I haven't driven in ages....eeeeeeeeps!
So I fended off the anx all the way to the garage at the thought of driving, we arrived there and I jumped in the drivers seat, J then realised that the garage was closed so he couldn't pick up his car.
Guess what? I drove anyway and it was totally fine!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Yessss, I did it!
Yesterday we drove out to my parents for the first time since I have been feeling like this, I have not been able to step foot in our car for a couple of weeks.
Well I did it!! You may wonder, what is the issue with sitting as a passenger in a car? The issue is sitting, not doing anything, being able to think, thinking is not good when you are in this anxious frame of mind - you start thinking of how you are feeling, are you going to panic, are you going to want to jump out of the car and run screaming up the hard shoulder???
I didn't do any of those things, yes I felt a bit nervous on the first part of the journey, the kids were fighting and J was getting annoyed at me not telling them off, I was too busy trying to keep myself together.
Anyway, I settled into it and it was quite nice, we arrived at my mum and dads safely with no incident.
Next hurdle
My parents live in the countryside, it was a beautiful day so we decided to go for a walk up the track - a steepish hill through the fields. I was fine, but after about a mile I got the visual disturbances, like little lights in my vision (I get these a lot and always have done, but when I am having anxious periods I worry about them). So I began to think that I was feeling dizzy and hot and my mind started going off on one, like, how would an ambulance get here? sort of crap - it sounds so stupid now.
I told my mum I felt a bit dizzy and in true mum style she said "well, if you faint we'll leave you here and pick you up on the way back" anyway that made me laugh and then I felt a bit better again.
We stayed at my parents house last night and then J drove us home this morning, announcing half way that we would be picking his car up from the garage and I would have to DRIVE MY CAR. I haven't driven in ages....eeeeeeeeps!
So I fended off the anx all the way to the garage at the thought of driving, we arrived there and I jumped in the drivers seat, J then realised that the garage was closed so he couldn't pick up his car.
Guess what? I drove anyway and it was totally fine!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Sunday, 13 July 2008
OMG Grrrrr..Seagulls and Snoring
Day 14 on fluoxetine
**YAWNS** Another rude awakening early this morning. This time it was every seagull in our city having a party on my roof, and whenever they stopped making a racket, J started snoring...BAAAAH!
After about an hour of feeling irritated I gave up and got up, so here I am, yawning and grumpy on the sofa.
I think I have the dreaded PMS, I was hoping these tablets would alleviate those rising irritable symptoms on the lead up to my period, it's not happening yet anyway. Lets hope for next month.
We plan to go out to my parents house this afternoon, this will be the first long car journey (45 mins) since I started with this latest bout of anx stuff. We were supposed to go last Sunday but I just wasn't up to it then.
I'm feeling less anxious about it today, so here's hoping I'll be ok in the car. J will be driving, I still haven't attempted to drive yet since all this started - that will be the next hurdle. Maybe I will drive home.
**YAWNS** Another rude awakening early this morning. This time it was every seagull in our city having a party on my roof, and whenever they stopped making a racket, J started snoring...BAAAAH!
After about an hour of feeling irritated I gave up and got up, so here I am, yawning and grumpy on the sofa.
I think I have the dreaded PMS, I was hoping these tablets would alleviate those rising irritable symptoms on the lead up to my period, it's not happening yet anyway. Lets hope for next month.
We plan to go out to my parents house this afternoon, this will be the first long car journey (45 mins) since I started with this latest bout of anx stuff. We were supposed to go last Sunday but I just wasn't up to it then.
I'm feeling less anxious about it today, so here's hoping I'll be ok in the car. J will be driving, I still haven't attempted to drive yet since all this started - that will be the next hurdle. Maybe I will drive home.
Saturday, 12 July 2008
OMG Grrrrr...Kids, Men and Cats!!!!!
Day 13 on fluoxetine
I am totally exhausted this morning, J is still snoring in bed and the kids are being evil and fighting.....
I went to bed at about midnight last night. J was out with friends and still wasn't home (but I didn't expect him to be anyway).
At about 3am the feckin cat woke me up to be fed, usually I shut him in the kitchen when I go to bed so he doesn't annoy anyone in the night, but last night I forgot.
So I got up like a zombie and fed him and noticed J still wasn't home, climbed back into bed and tried to get back to sleep, but that walk down the stairs had woken me up too much.
Some time later J came in...stumbling around, switching all the lights on, not that I had managed to get back to sleep anyway, but this enraged me even more.
Then he came to bed at some point and started snoring. I think I eventually got back to sleep about 6am and not long after that Cass woke up and started being evil and demanding one of us to take her downstairs, so I got J to do it in his drunken stupor.
Well, I couldn't get back to sleep anyway so I've got up now and the girls are fighting already - over the laptop. I feel like I'm going to explode with irritation and tiredness while J is snoring away upstairs. Oh and its grey and raining, yet again.
*fumes*
It can only get better from here, can it???
I am totally exhausted this morning, J is still snoring in bed and the kids are being evil and fighting.....
I went to bed at about midnight last night. J was out with friends and still wasn't home (but I didn't expect him to be anyway).
At about 3am the feckin cat woke me up to be fed, usually I shut him in the kitchen when I go to bed so he doesn't annoy anyone in the night, but last night I forgot.
So I got up like a zombie and fed him and noticed J still wasn't home, climbed back into bed and tried to get back to sleep, but that walk down the stairs had woken me up too much.
Some time later J came in...stumbling around, switching all the lights on, not that I had managed to get back to sleep anyway, but this enraged me even more.
Then he came to bed at some point and started snoring. I think I eventually got back to sleep about 6am and not long after that Cass woke up and started being evil and demanding one of us to take her downstairs, so I got J to do it in his drunken stupor.
Well, I couldn't get back to sleep anyway so I've got up now and the girls are fighting already - over the laptop. I feel like I'm going to explode with irritation and tiredness while J is snoring away upstairs. Oh and its grey and raining, yet again.
*fumes*
It can only get better from here, can it???
Friday, 11 July 2008
Jumped another hurdle
Day 12 on fluoxetine
I was feeling quite irritable today, J kept pressurising me about going out and it was really getting on my tits after a while - he's making an issue of it and that makes me not want to do it even more.
He was supposed to be going out for lunch with a friend and I was going to take Cass to the park on her bike. I was happy to do that, but then suddenly he announces he had cancelled lunch and that we could all go to a cafe together instead. *Chokes*
That is like the worst thing I could have imagined doing at that time!! Sitting in a hot, cramped cafe, with PEOPLE and FOOD! I am having difficulty eating as it is and I hate the feeling of being trapped in a small place...What if I feel sick or faint??? What if I want to leave and every looks at me?? What if.....?
Anyway I decided to say yes and walk there with them and then make an excuse to go to the supermarket or something while they were in there. You see I am ok if I am moving about with lots of distractions around me, but if I sit still for any length of time, I might decide that I feel dizzy or sick or something.
I was really annoyed at J all the way up the road, really pissed off that he is pressurising me to do something before I'm ready too, he's like "oh its just a cafe ffs, what is so scary about that??". He just doesn't understand and it makes me feel really lonely.
I hesitantly went into the cafe and we sat down, J kept making comments about my face looking moody, making me even more paranoid. They ordered food but I felt so sick I couldn't face it, I just wanted to get out.
I didn't have the usual palpitations type of anxiety, it was more that I felt dizzy and sick, and my ears were ringing. Anyway I sat it out and I kinda relaxed into it after a while, I even ate some of their leftovers, "oh hold on, this isn't so bad after all".
Afterwards, we walked to the park and played hide and seek, I felt almost my normal self again.
Sometimes I think tough love can work, but it doesn't feel like it at the time.
I was feeling quite irritable today, J kept pressurising me about going out and it was really getting on my tits after a while - he's making an issue of it and that makes me not want to do it even more.
He was supposed to be going out for lunch with a friend and I was going to take Cass to the park on her bike. I was happy to do that, but then suddenly he announces he had cancelled lunch and that we could all go to a cafe together instead. *Chokes*
That is like the worst thing I could have imagined doing at that time!! Sitting in a hot, cramped cafe, with PEOPLE and FOOD! I am having difficulty eating as it is and I hate the feeling of being trapped in a small place...What if I feel sick or faint??? What if I want to leave and every looks at me?? What if.....?
Anyway I decided to say yes and walk there with them and then make an excuse to go to the supermarket or something while they were in there. You see I am ok if I am moving about with lots of distractions around me, but if I sit still for any length of time, I might decide that I feel dizzy or sick or something.
I was really annoyed at J all the way up the road, really pissed off that he is pressurising me to do something before I'm ready too, he's like "oh its just a cafe ffs, what is so scary about that??". He just doesn't understand and it makes me feel really lonely.
I hesitantly went into the cafe and we sat down, J kept making comments about my face looking moody, making me even more paranoid. They ordered food but I felt so sick I couldn't face it, I just wanted to get out.
I didn't have the usual palpitations type of anxiety, it was more that I felt dizzy and sick, and my ears were ringing. Anyway I sat it out and I kinda relaxed into it after a while, I even ate some of their leftovers, "oh hold on, this isn't so bad after all".
Afterwards, we walked to the park and played hide and seek, I felt almost my normal self again.
Sometimes I think tough love can work, but it doesn't feel like it at the time.
Thursday, 10 July 2008
Virtually Crazy
Day 11 on fluoxetine
Cass was sick with a sore tum. fever and a headache today so I spent the day being caring mummy. It was raining all day today non stop, so we didn't feel the need to leave the house.
J and Josie went to see the new Narnia film and Cass fell asleep while they were away. So I ventured onto Second Life. (an online virtual world). I love this game - I haven't been able to play it since I've been unwell as it seemed to trigger my anxiety attacks.
I logged on as my lesser known avatar Mini May and had a bit of fun making her look like how I'd been feeling lately. I took her off to the virtual lunatic asylum...
locked her in a padded cell...
She's so sad...poor Mini
She does a Britney and shaves off half her hair, oh noes!
Playing SL it didn't bring on any feeling of anxiety at all this time, the only reason I logged off was because Cass woke up and needed constant attention.
I LOVE Second Life, because you can make your character as gorgeous as this.
or as hideous as this,
I've been playing this game for 2 years now and never got bored with it, so I knew there was something seriously wrong when I stopped enjoying playing.
This is a good sign, I had fun, so I must be on the road to recovery now. YAY!
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
I'm a lazy fecker
Day 10 on Fluoxetine
Hey, guess what? I think my sense of humour is coming back.
I have absolutely no idea where my day went today, and I have a confession to make...I haven't been out at all, but not because I was scared, it was cos I simply couldn't be arsed.
My girls were at a sports day camp all day today, so most of the morning I spent surfing the net, washed ma hair, tidied up a bit. Then my dad came over and I cut his hair and sat about drinking tea with him. J and the girls came home at about 5pm and I made food and then we all cuddled up and watched tv about celebs going crazy (yay, I'm not the only one) Lovely!
On a symptoms note, my ears are ringing and my head feels dizzy when I sit still for some reason, as long as I kept moving I didn't notice it. Slight anxiety or meds side effects...who knows!
I've just had 3 small glasses of rose wine, will I pay the price for it? Watch this space!
Hey, guess what? I think my sense of humour is coming back.
I have absolutely no idea where my day went today, and I have a confession to make...I haven't been out at all, but not because I was scared, it was cos I simply couldn't be arsed.
My girls were at a sports day camp all day today, so most of the morning I spent surfing the net, washed ma hair, tidied up a bit. Then my dad came over and I cut his hair and sat about drinking tea with him. J and the girls came home at about 5pm and I made food and then we all cuddled up and watched tv about celebs going crazy (yay, I'm not the only one) Lovely!
On a symptoms note, my ears are ringing and my head feels dizzy when I sit still for some reason, as long as I kept moving I didn't notice it. Slight anxiety or meds side effects...who knows!
I've just had 3 small glasses of rose wine, will I pay the price for it? Watch this space!
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
UPDATE, Park wayhaaay
Well, J came home and said he was gonna take the girls to the park, so I made a quick decision to go too. I prefer doing something spur of the moment rather than having the anticipation of doing something planned right now.
So I said I would probably only stay 15 mins and come back and make some food for when they get back. We stopped to chat to a friend on the way, which made me feel slightly anx for some reason, but nothing major. I just don't like standing around, I have to keep moving when I'm out and about right now or I may start thinking about how I am feeling.
So we got to the park and it was really busy for 7pm in the evening, but I was cool with that. Stood around for a bit while they played and then I felt I had done enough (don't wanna push it too far and go back to square 1), so I headed back before them, and the walk back on my own was fine too.
TODAY..SUCCESS! We've all had some fresh air.
So I said I would probably only stay 15 mins and come back and make some food for when they get back. We stopped to chat to a friend on the way, which made me feel slightly anx for some reason, but nothing major. I just don't like standing around, I have to keep moving when I'm out and about right now or I may start thinking about how I am feeling.
So we got to the park and it was really busy for 7pm in the evening, but I was cool with that. Stood around for a bit while they played and then I felt I had done enough (don't wanna push it too far and go back to square 1), so I headed back before them, and the walk back on my own was fine too.
TODAY..SUCCESS! We've all had some fresh air.
Lazy Day
Day 9 on Fluoxetine
I've been so good getting plenty of sleep, going to bed at no later than 11pm, (not my usual 1am which I did before this all started). I am still feeling quite tired but I think it's probably lack of fresh air and the meds.
J is like the opposite of me right now, he's all positive and wanting to get out and do things, I just want to lie around, I feel exhausted. Mornings are my worst time (always have been), I can't get up until around 9am and I still can't really function until about 11am. So he's been off doing various things today, meetings, tennis, lunch etc.
It's the school summer holidays here now so kids are at home. It was a bit of a grey day today, so me and the girls played some games and baked some cakes, and then they just played together most of the day.
I feel a bit bad for not getting them out - the weather turned nice late afternoon, but I have no motivation to get out in it and they weren't bothered either. Besides, they've been in their jammies all day - how bad am I?
Anyhoo, on a scale of 1-10 anx wise (1o being the worst). I've been a 5 at most, so dis is goooood, fingers crossed it keeps improving.
I've been so good getting plenty of sleep, going to bed at no later than 11pm, (not my usual 1am which I did before this all started). I am still feeling quite tired but I think it's probably lack of fresh air and the meds.
J is like the opposite of me right now, he's all positive and wanting to get out and do things, I just want to lie around, I feel exhausted. Mornings are my worst time (always have been), I can't get up until around 9am and I still can't really function until about 11am. So he's been off doing various things today, meetings, tennis, lunch etc.
It's the school summer holidays here now so kids are at home. It was a bit of a grey day today, so me and the girls played some games and baked some cakes, and then they just played together most of the day.
I feel a bit bad for not getting them out - the weather turned nice late afternoon, but I have no motivation to get out in it and they weren't bothered either. Besides, they've been in their jammies all day - how bad am I?
Anyhoo, on a scale of 1-10 anx wise (1o being the worst). I've been a 5 at most, so dis is goooood, fingers crossed it keeps improving.
Monday, 7 July 2008
Parents to the rescuuuueeeeee
Day 8 of Fluoxetine.
So....my mum and dad stayed over last night which was really great. They took my mind of my constant inward thinking, this illness is making me completely self obsessed and selfish, constantly thinking about me, me, me, and how I am feeling. It's so boring! I'm not THAT person.
Mum suggested we go and get some food from shop today...eeeps, tense up, sweaty palms, legs feel weak, I feel sick....I haven't been outside for 8 days. I said yes I would do it, and tried not to think about it until the point of leaving, hoping I would get out if it somehow.
Mum, being an expert at this sort of thing (Dad suffered with a bad bout of agoraphobia when I was in my teens - I didn't even know until recently) said "come on, lets go, we'll only be 10 mins and we can leave at any time", so off we went in Dads car to the biggest supermarket, arghhhhhh!! It's so ridiculous, I was a regular visitor here only a month ago didn't even think twice, so why the fuck am I getting in a state???
Well, it turns out the anticipation of it was worse than the actual being there. I got quite distracted by stuff and actually quite enjoyed it. After about half an hour I started to get bored and that's the time that I would potentially get anx luckily at that point we had got everything we needed.
I feel glad that I did it and it wasn't half as bad as I thought. YAY! I've been outside.
So....my mum and dad stayed over last night which was really great. They took my mind of my constant inward thinking, this illness is making me completely self obsessed and selfish, constantly thinking about me, me, me, and how I am feeling. It's so boring! I'm not THAT person.
Mum suggested we go and get some food from shop today...eeeps, tense up, sweaty palms, legs feel weak, I feel sick....I haven't been outside for 8 days. I said yes I would do it, and tried not to think about it until the point of leaving, hoping I would get out if it somehow.
Mum, being an expert at this sort of thing (Dad suffered with a bad bout of agoraphobia when I was in my teens - I didn't even know until recently) said "come on, lets go, we'll only be 10 mins and we can leave at any time", so off we went in Dads car to the biggest supermarket, arghhhhhh!! It's so ridiculous, I was a regular visitor here only a month ago didn't even think twice, so why the fuck am I getting in a state???
Well, it turns out the anticipation of it was worse than the actual being there. I got quite distracted by stuff and actually quite enjoyed it. After about half an hour I started to get bored and that's the time that I would potentially get anx luckily at that point we had got everything we needed.
I feel glad that I did it and it wasn't half as bad as I thought. YAY! I've been outside.
Sunday, 6 July 2008
Wallow wallow
Day 7 on Fluoxetine
Gawd I sound so tragic in yesterday's post - I'm ashamed of myself.
After a weepy upset morning again, my inspiration Aunty Sue phoned - we are like two peas in a pod and she knows exactly how I feel....exactly! She also has bouts of anxiety and depression.
She makes me see the funny side of being like this and I felt so much brighter after our chat.
I was going to go to my parents house today but I couldn't face the 45 min car journey so they came to us. My mum cooked us a lush dinner and made me laugh some more, I need this. As much as I am tempted I'm not touching any alcohol as I blame that for my setback the other day.
Anyhoo they are staying the night here tonight, just thought I'd quicko type this while they are watching the end of the tennis.
xx
Gawd I sound so tragic in yesterday's post - I'm ashamed of myself.
After a weepy upset morning again, my inspiration Aunty Sue phoned - we are like two peas in a pod and she knows exactly how I feel....exactly! She also has bouts of anxiety and depression.
She makes me see the funny side of being like this and I felt so much brighter after our chat.
I was going to go to my parents house today but I couldn't face the 45 min car journey so they came to us. My mum cooked us a lush dinner and made me laugh some more, I need this. As much as I am tempted I'm not touching any alcohol as I blame that for my setback the other day.
Anyhoo they are staying the night here tonight, just thought I'd quicko type this while they are watching the end of the tennis.
xx
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Low
Day 6 on Fluoxetine
I can hardly type today, I feel so low.
I paid the price for having a lovely day and drinking yesterday, I had the mother of all panic attacks when I was trying to get my wilful 5 yr old to sleep last night and they went on all night until midnight, then I lay awake until 3am racked with fear.
I'm so low and exhausted, disappointed in myself. J has taken the girls out to see kungfu panda and i wish that i felt like doing nice things. As soon as they left I went back to bed and dozed for 2 hours, I had to force myself to get up and get showered but i can't even be bothered to dry my hair, i just want to get right back into bed again - i'm so tired.
Why do I feel like this? My life is good, I've got a lovely family, lots of friends, I'm physically healthy. I'm the sort of person I would feel like saying 'pull yourself together' to if I didn't feel like this.
I feel so gulity for my girls, what kind of mum am I? Lying here crying and wanting to sleep all the time.
Please will someone make this stop...
I can hardly type today, I feel so low.
I paid the price for having a lovely day and drinking yesterday, I had the mother of all panic attacks when I was trying to get my wilful 5 yr old to sleep last night and they went on all night until midnight, then I lay awake until 3am racked with fear.
I'm so low and exhausted, disappointed in myself. J has taken the girls out to see kungfu panda and i wish that i felt like doing nice things. As soon as they left I went back to bed and dozed for 2 hours, I had to force myself to get up and get showered but i can't even be bothered to dry my hair, i just want to get right back into bed again - i'm so tired.
Why do I feel like this? My life is good, I've got a lovely family, lots of friends, I'm physically healthy. I'm the sort of person I would feel like saying 'pull yourself together' to if I didn't feel like this.
I feel so gulity for my girls, what kind of mum am I? Lying here crying and wanting to sleep all the time.
Please will someone make this stop...
Friday, 4 July 2008
Torrrtuuuuuure
Hahaha!
Thought this was funny, 'Mr Shakey Head Man' David Gray's music is being used as an instrument of torture by US interrogators.
http://new.uk.music.yahoo.com/blogs/guestlist/1922/david-grayinstrument-of-torture
I can totally understand how that would work. I think I would cave after hearing it more than once.
Thought this was funny, 'Mr Shakey Head Man' David Gray's music is being used as an instrument of torture by US interrogators.
http://new.uk.music.yahoo.com/blogs/guestlist/1922/david-grayinstrument-of-torture
I can totally understand how that would work. I think I would cave after hearing it more than once.
What's goin' on 'ere then?
Day 5 on Fluoxetine
It's 9am, I woke up this morning and didn't have such a feeling of dread and sense of impending doom, I was slightly apprehensive about getting out of bed incase it hit me then, but no. I feel almost normal, not tired, not sick, not achey, not scared - slightly floaty but it's quite nice (the meds?)
Have I turned a corner? I know that this is a slow process and I'll have good and not so good days (I'm not saying the 'b' word - its not part of my vocab any more), I'm going to make the most of feeling good today.
I'm trying not to have the OCD thoughts, constantly checking how I am feeling, it's like picking at a scab and I am a true scab picker.
J and I are going to have a Pimms afternoon and watch Wimbledon, even though I'm not bothered too much about tennis, I'm liking the Pimms idea - maybe I might venture into SL.
It's 9am, I woke up this morning and didn't have such a feeling of dread and sense of impending doom, I was slightly apprehensive about getting out of bed incase it hit me then, but no. I feel almost normal, not tired, not sick, not achey, not scared - slightly floaty but it's quite nice (the meds?)
Have I turned a corner? I know that this is a slow process and I'll have good and not so good days (I'm not saying the 'b' word - its not part of my vocab any more), I'm going to make the most of feeling good today.
I'm trying not to have the OCD thoughts, constantly checking how I am feeling, it's like picking at a scab and I am a true scab picker.
J and I are going to have a Pimms afternoon and watch Wimbledon, even though I'm not bothered too much about tennis, I'm liking the Pimms idea - maybe I might venture into SL.
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Zombified
Day 4 on Fluoxetine
Well, it's now nearly 10pm, I've had 3 glasses of wine and I feel really chilled and mellow, probably the fluoxetine has enhanced the effects of the alcohol. Wooowoooooooh!
I didn't end up having to do the school run as the cricket finished early, so J did it - phew! Probably not such a good thing though cos that means 'Day 5 in the Big Brother House' (not been out for 5 days). I did venture into the garden this evening for a little while to breathe some fresh air and chase a cat away from stalking my one eyed guinea pig.
J's dad came over for a visit so it took all my powers to 'act normal' when he was here, I had to keep doing stuff to distract myself from looming anx, I did quite well and then it passed.
'Bitchy mum' phoned to remind me we had a night out tonight, which of course I can't go to (I was really looking forward to it but in my current state I just can't).
I did a brave thing though...I told her my troubles, in a lighthearted, making fun of myself sort of way. Guess what? she totally understood, she said she would take the girls to the park tomorrow after school if I didn't feel up to it, so that felt good.
I am beginning to like this honesty thing, I've hidden this for years like a guilty secret, but what is there to be ashamed about?
This evening me and my girls cuddled up in front of TV and watched Gok's Fashion Fix (Celebrity Stylist), we love Gok Wan - he's fabulous! He makes me wanna be a his fag hag.
I'm desperately trying to stay awake until midnight, if I fall asleep now I'll wake up too early and that is not good. I'm shit in the mornings as it is.
Well, it's now nearly 10pm, I've had 3 glasses of wine and I feel really chilled and mellow, probably the fluoxetine has enhanced the effects of the alcohol. Wooowoooooooh!
I didn't end up having to do the school run as the cricket finished early, so J did it - phew! Probably not such a good thing though cos that means 'Day 5 in the Big Brother House' (not been out for 5 days). I did venture into the garden this evening for a little while to breathe some fresh air and chase a cat away from stalking my one eyed guinea pig.
J's dad came over for a visit so it took all my powers to 'act normal' when he was here, I had to keep doing stuff to distract myself from looming anx, I did quite well and then it passed.
'Bitchy mum' phoned to remind me we had a night out tonight, which of course I can't go to (I was really looking forward to it but in my current state I just can't).
I did a brave thing though...I told her my troubles, in a lighthearted, making fun of myself sort of way. Guess what? she totally understood, she said she would take the girls to the park tomorrow after school if I didn't feel up to it, so that felt good.
I am beginning to like this honesty thing, I've hidden this for years like a guilty secret, but what is there to be ashamed about?
This evening me and my girls cuddled up in front of TV and watched Gok's Fashion Fix (Celebrity Stylist), we love Gok Wan - he's fabulous! He makes me wanna be a his fag hag.
I'm desperately trying to stay awake until midnight, if I fall asleep now I'll wake up too early and that is not good. I'm shit in the mornings as it is.
Pull yerself together!!
After feeling almost good last night, woke up at 6:30am with this anxious ball of 'ewww' in my tum, headache, neckache, body ache, shivers, felt like utter crap (meds side effects or imagination??). Managed to drag myself out of bed to get the kids ready for school, but the whole time I felt like I was on the verge of death.
I am so thankful that J is not at work right now as I don't think I would have managed to do the walk to school.
As soon as they left I managed to force down a bit of dry bread and a banana and climbed back into the safety and comfort of my bed, I don't want to leave here.
Next stress: J is going to be watching cricket all day today and won't be able to do school run, wtf am I going to do?? Freaking out already. I could call 'bitchy mum' (she bitches about other mums to me, so I bet she does it about me too) to ask her to do pickup, but I don't want to tell her what is really going on with me - I don't want everyone to know.
The voice is saying ' Pull yourself together', but the even louder one is saying "I CAN'T, WHAT IF....?"
FUCKS SAKE...Grrrrr, I hate this!
I am so thankful that J is not at work right now as I don't think I would have managed to do the walk to school.
As soon as they left I managed to force down a bit of dry bread and a banana and climbed back into the safety and comfort of my bed, I don't want to leave here.
Next stress: J is going to be watching cricket all day today and won't be able to do school run, wtf am I going to do?? Freaking out already. I could call 'bitchy mum' (she bitches about other mums to me, so I bet she does it about me too) to ask her to do pickup, but I don't want to tell her what is really going on with me - I don't want everyone to know.
The voice is saying ' Pull yourself together', but the even louder one is saying "I CAN'T, WHAT IF....?"
FUCKS SAKE...Grrrrr, I hate this!
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Where did it go?
Day 3 on Fluoxetine
Wednesday...where did Wednesday go??
Complete breakdowns all morning, couldn't leave my bedroom etc, it was the only place I felt slightly relaxed.
J (my beloved) wanted to go out and he would not be back to be pick up the girls from school, I asked him to please do the pickup, I just can't face 'outside' or 'other people' at the moment. He started to lose his patience with me and I don't blame him, but thank God he said he would rearrange and be home in time to pick up our girls.
I felt so guilty and cried and cried when he went out, then late afternoon I started to feel kind of mellow and managed to regain some kind of normality when my babies came home from school (I can't let them see me in this state). Maybe the meds are kicking in at last. YAY!
Still can't eat though, I've lost 8lbs in a week. wooooooooooooooot! (Actually not wooot, cos I'll be emaciated by next week if it carries on.)
Wednesday...where did Wednesday go??
Complete breakdowns all morning, couldn't leave my bedroom etc, it was the only place I felt slightly relaxed.
J (my beloved) wanted to go out and he would not be back to be pick up the girls from school, I asked him to please do the pickup, I just can't face 'outside' or 'other people' at the moment. He started to lose his patience with me and I don't blame him, but thank God he said he would rearrange and be home in time to pick up our girls.
I felt so guilty and cried and cried when he went out, then late afternoon I started to feel kind of mellow and managed to regain some kind of normality when my babies came home from school (I can't let them see me in this state). Maybe the meds are kicking in at last. YAY!
Still can't eat though, I've lost 8lbs in a week. wooooooooooooooot! (Actually not wooot, cos I'll be emaciated by next week if it carries on.)
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
The Illusionist
Day 2 on Fluoxetine aka Prozac
Hi everyone, I've been kinda struggling whether to tell you this but I've decided to come clean, I am not what I seem. I want to share this with you because I know there are probably many other people out there who suffer with this/or have done, or have loved ones who do.
I go through phases of anxiety/panic disorder and have done for most of my life - no reason for it, it's just the person I am.
I thought it wouldn't get to me again, but for the past couple of weeks I have been suffering a particularly nasty bout.
The last bad case of it was over 2 yrs ago, I was prescribed fluoxetine and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I beat it after a couple of months and I know I can do it again!
I've just got that little thought in my head saying 'what if it doesn't go away this time, what if I am actually going crazy, what if...? Deep down I know these negative thoughts are the nature of the beast, right now I have a constant inner dialogue of positive and negative thoughts fighting is the only way to describe it.
Socially I am struggling in every aspect, it's extremely frustrating because usually I am a very sociable person, people are shocked if I tell them how I am feeling as they see me as this smiley, happy person with a huge personality, but inside (when I am going through this) I feel like a small terrified child. Luckily I have a very supportive partner and parents who help me a great deal when I go through this, but i just have this perma-feeling of guilt for putting them through it. I really try to hide it from my girls too but I'm sure they most know something is wrong.
I am feeling very depressed right now. I don't suffer depression on it's own, it is caused by the anxiety because I can see no way out, I feel like I am on a permanent rollercoaster and I want to get off. I have been taking the meds for 2 days so hopefully soon they will help me feel better soon - right now I feel terrible and I can't stop crying. I've been housebound for 4 days and the weather is beautiful outside. I want to WANT to go out, I just feel so scared of I don't know what.
There, I'm glad I got that off my chest, thanks for listening. I KNOW I will feel better soon.
Hi everyone, I've been kinda struggling whether to tell you this but I've decided to come clean, I am not what I seem. I want to share this with you because I know there are probably many other people out there who suffer with this/or have done, or have loved ones who do.
I go through phases of anxiety/panic disorder and have done for most of my life - no reason for it, it's just the person I am.
I thought it wouldn't get to me again, but for the past couple of weeks I have been suffering a particularly nasty bout.
The last bad case of it was over 2 yrs ago, I was prescribed fluoxetine and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I beat it after a couple of months and I know I can do it again!
I've just got that little thought in my head saying 'what if it doesn't go away this time, what if I am actually going crazy, what if...? Deep down I know these negative thoughts are the nature of the beast, right now I have a constant inner dialogue of positive and negative thoughts fighting is the only way to describe it.
Socially I am struggling in every aspect, it's extremely frustrating because usually I am a very sociable person, people are shocked if I tell them how I am feeling as they see me as this smiley, happy person with a huge personality, but inside (when I am going through this) I feel like a small terrified child. Luckily I have a very supportive partner and parents who help me a great deal when I go through this, but i just have this perma-feeling of guilt for putting them through it. I really try to hide it from my girls too but I'm sure they most know something is wrong.
I am feeling very depressed right now. I don't suffer depression on it's own, it is caused by the anxiety because I can see no way out, I feel like I am on a permanent rollercoaster and I want to get off. I have been taking the meds for 2 days so hopefully soon they will help me feel better soon - right now I feel terrible and I can't stop crying. I've been housebound for 4 days and the weather is beautiful outside. I want to WANT to go out, I just feel so scared of I don't know what.
There, I'm glad I got that off my chest, thanks for listening. I KNOW I will feel better soon.
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